Thanksgiving 2011. I was a different person. I had spent the previous week taking meth and having s** with several dozen complete strangers. My family put me in charge of the turkey. I crammed it full of stuffing, and when I was alone in the kitchen I just got an urge to f*** it. My c*** was so much harder than it had been when I was f****** all those men and women in the previous days. I inserted and thrusted. It didn’t take long for me to come deep inside the bird. At that exact moment, three family members walked in and caught me. But I was in the process of ejaculating, and I called out “I can’t stop now!”

Several family members left. The rest of the turkey-free night was awkward. To this day they hold it against me.