tw: suicidal thoughts and all that dark s***, please don’t read if your own suicidal tendencies get triggered by reading other people’s suicidal stuff, take care of yourself friend.

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I feel like I should succumb to it. It’s so tempting. I want it. I want to die.

But that doesn’t mean I am not thankful for being born. I am thankful because of the little things I was able to experience, those short and sweet moments that make living “somewhat” worth it.

But am I prepared or willing to continue living? No.

Would I rather exist than not exist at all? Of course not.

I am barely an adult.

13 year old me was right. They knew we wouldn’t make it to 18.

It’s getting scary. Really scary. My emotional numbness does just that, to the point I’m not even scared of thinking like this. Accepting death so easily, welcoming it. Begging for it. And that’s what scares me, that I’m not scared of it. Does that makes sense?

I don’t want to live anymore. I’ve distanced myself from others for this exact reason. So my death won’t hurt them as much as it would if they were close to me in the first place.

I just want to die.

I just want this to stop.

I am useless. Despite my desires to help humanity and others, I am useless. Even if it’s just a little, even if it doesn’t have any significant impact, the fact that I am helping someone alone is enough for me, giving them hope that I could only ever wish to have is enough. Giving them hope that not everyone is as bad as they think it is. That there are people who care. Who still want to help. There are people who can still love others even if they’re not very fond of others.

I could do so much. But I am human. My flaws. My limits, I despise it.

But I have been consumed. I have become the person I hate the most.

I exist to be consumed by others.

Right?