I’m just so f****** tired of living. I hate my life, what little it is. I’m 47 years old, with 2 beautiful children and a wife whom I don’t think I love all that much,

I’m nothing but a total f****** failure. Everything I have ever done in my life has gone to s***. I don’t want to hear some lame platitude from others saying how “gee, your life dan’t be all that bad.”

I used to play the trombone when I was young. Then I went to university to do a music degree but my embouchure was ruined in my 3rd year. I haven’t played it since. I’ve tried over the years to see if I could get it back but it’s been impossible. Now I don’t ever want to try again as it’s just to painful emotionally.

Then I went into teaching music by getting my Education degree. It’s was the wrong career choice for me. I never enjoyed it, and I was always getting negative comments from administrators for not doing something right, even though parents and students enjoyed what I did. I got no respect whatsoever. This finally culminated in me f****** up so badly in the last year that I ended up resigning from my teaching position of 20 years. In a way, I’m glad I did that because I didn’t want to do it anymore.

I then got my Level 1 General insurance license and ended up working at 3 different insurance jobs, which I despised. It was so incredibly boring and there was absolutely no feeling of “making a difference.” One of the jobs I essentially got fired from. The manager, who was terribly weak, said that corporate needed him to get rid of someone as there wasn’t enough hours. B*******. He didn’t have the balls to tell me that it wasn’t working out.

I then decided to get my Class 2 commercial license, which allows me to drive a bus. Guess what? I got to do that for 3 weeks before some f****** stupid a** doctor reported me to say that I wasn’t “medically safe to drive.” I actually enjoy this job. So typical. The door is opened and I get called to go through it and then at the very last minute it slams shut. Nothing new there. You’d think I’m used to this by now because this is all that ever happens in my stupid life with any consistency. Now I have no job and I’m sitting here typing this wishing that I wasn’t even alive anymore.

Of course my parents think I’m a complete failure and disappointment. They simply don’t get it. I get no support from them whatsoever. Even my friends don’t call. They don’t give a s*** at all. No one ever asks me how I’m doing because they know I’m doing terrible and that my life is s***.

I’m tired of even getting up in the morning. What’s the point? It’s just going to be another f****** awful day. Before you start saying something stupid like “If you have a positive mindset then your day will be that way too”, please consider that I’ve tried that multiple times. It never works. Everyday just ends up being f****** awful. I wake up in the morning wondering what horrible news/event/thing will happen to me today because like clockwork, something s***** always does.

Why am I even on this Earth? I’ve also told God to go f*** himself. I’m not a religious person but just in case there is a God listening, I tell him that his “plan” for me s**** s***. If he’s real then I can say to him that he is a terrible God. He doesn’t know what the hell he’s doing with me. He gives me the ability to do things (like the trombone) and then at the last minute he takes it away and laughs at me. F*** Him.

I sometimes just wish I never existed. That way I wouldn’t be a burden on anyone or anything ever again. I hate this.