I’m pretty sure nothing is the answer to life and I don’t know what to do with that. How is that something I can work with? I don’t feel I can live out the next several decades of my life without feeling like I am anything more than nothing. No spiritual path or belief system seems open for me to take wholeheartedly. I’m on a level of life that has been lowered drastically since my psychotic break a couple years ago when I was 20. It’s fucked up stabbing your mother when the only thing you wanted is to get rid of the painful noise inside of your head. Going crazy from depression and stress is obviously complicated especially given what the outcome here was. My mother is okay. I have stab wounds from the incident also because my pain is the thing I wanted to kill and I was delusional. I have scars on my chest but not near my heart because I didn’t f****** know where my heart was. Stupid, I didn’t even know the heart was protected. I honestly think I broke when I lost faith in God. I don’t know why I have such a strong tie with wanting to feel like something in terms of being. I just want to be on a plane of existence that isn’t so meaningless otherwise it’s painful. It’s really bad. I’ve adapted to my depression and anxiety enough so I won’t go crazy again. But things look bleak. Damn.. seriously I can’t take this.