I love my son. I would never hurt or give up my son, but he is young and I have massive PTSD from my own childhood so when he doesnt listen, particularly at bedtime when I’ve had enough of the days ups and downs with the attacks, or pushes my buttons, yells (I cant handle loud noises very well) it makes me want to hurt myself. I can’t tell anyone this because because they all have their own s*** to deal with and i cant add mine on top of it. So I try to endure all of it without reaching for something to make the ache go away for a few minutes.. it is incredibly hard.. like the ocean is pressing down on chest and I can’t breathe..