i don’t expect anyone to read this, but i need to say it somewhere, and i don’t really have anyone else to say this to.
about a year and a half ago, around 2 weeks before my 18th birthday, i found a tumor on my left leg, on my inner shin. it was a synovial sarcoma, that was working its way to my bone, where it would spread through my bone marrow and kill me. i found it remarkably early, due to some existing nerve damage in my muscle, and it was treated without radiation after waiting with that knowledge until april. it was, however, treated with a large surgery, which nearly destroyed my leg, and left me in a wheelchair for about 8 months. in this time i stopped communicating with the few friends i had, i grew distant from my extended family, my plans for a career were destroyed, and my mother had nothing to do with me while i was recovering.
in the time i was confined to that awful wheelchair, i had months upon months to stew in my own thoughts about how f****** terrible my life has been. i thought about how i attempted suicide at 14 years old after my father couldn’t make enough money to pay our rent, and we lost our home. i thought about how my mother has spent most of her life as an abusive alcoholic to my brother and i that i could almost never rely on. i thought about how i’ve been in love one time in my life, and she cheated on me with my best friend, and completely destroyed me, after i had spent years rebuilding myself.
i was just so tired. i was just so angry at everything. i still am angry at everything. at this point, the only thing keeping me alive is my hatred and anger and, ironically, it feels like it’s starting to kill me. i don’t know what to do. i’m just so f****** tired. i want so badly to give up, but my anger won’t let me give up. i hate feeling like this, but it’s the only thing keeping me alive.
