I can’t express myself emotionally, which is partially society’s fault and partially my fault, I guess. I don’t even know if I’ll be able to express how I feel here, either, but the feeling is strong enough that it makes me want to end my life, so maybe I can talk about it. I have a couple close friends, and my family loves me, but every once in a while I feel hit with such despair and anguish almost out of nowhere that I don’t want to continue. Even if a couple moments before I was happy, suddenly it all comes crashing down and my assessments on life go to s***, thinking about people I should hold onto to keep myself from killing myself and only making myself more intensely depressed, thinking about how I have nobody who will ever love me even though I know that isn’t true. It usually takes a while before I’m hit with another one of these, and they’re brought on by different things, like spending too much time around people during the day, or, in the past, by my intense loneliness, or by thinking about my past mistakes in life or who I am as a person or what humanity is like as a species or what everything is like in the universe. I just got done with one, and I only just realized that there’s a pattern with my ‘episodes’. I don’t know why I stick it out anymore. I don’t know what I’m still alive for. I have desperate hope that things will get better and that I will improve as a person, but that’s all I have anymore. I don’t feel like anything is anything. I have come a couple joules of force from blowing my brains out a couple times, and nobody knows I’m suicidal because I can’t talk about my feelings. My therapist said that I’m fine, but I don’t think so. I think I get so stressed out by everything throughout my days, and I just absorb it all. I act like everything is fine, or like “this time I’m actually good”, but I’ve said that so many times and it never stays true. I’ve come to accept almost that my brain is just fucked up to the core, and I won’t ever be “actually good” ever. This is who I am now. If I end up dead soon you might be reading my suicide note. If it means anything I really did love you guys. Humanity is so much better than nothing, and you guys need to push on. I’m sorry I couldn’t come with you guys. Oh my f****** god I feel so rejected by everyone I just need acceptance holy s*** I am so sorry it came to this