My friend S. died in a car crash just less than two years ago. We went to high school together. I was really attached to her because I had always been sort of a shy wallflower and she made a special effort to make me feel included, without talking down to me. She was always sincerely friendly, not the kind of false friendliness that people put on when they’re trying to be nice, but the kind of friendliness that goes on between people that have known each other for a long time. She always had a smile for everyone, and could make anyone feel comfortable. She never knew my last name, and I didn’t know hers until after she died.
When the news of her death came to school, nearly everyone was upset. It was the first of three fatal car crashes of high school students that year. My other friends were especially upset. Some of them had really puffy eyes the next day, others were just brooding. Some reacted gratefully to a hug, others gave me a weird look. It didn’t really sink in for me, it just kind of stayed on the surface as a fact, like a puddle on hard ground. I wasn’t preoccupied by the matter, didn’t see the school pyschologist who offered to talk to friends of her and the boy who remained in critical condition but still survived. I didn’t cry, and I didn’t really think about it. It didn’t really stay in my mind much.
Then, three days ago, I was driving home. My mind was sort of blank, and I was just kind of observing the road pass by. I passed construction work on the road I was on, and for some reason she, and her death just sort of drifted into my mind. I don’t really know what caused it to. Her death was at night, around midnight or later. I was driving at around 2:30 pm. It was a clear, cool night for her. It was a humid, drizzly afternoon for me. She was going home from a band competition/party, rushing at 70ish mph to get home. I was going slowly from school. She was unbuckled, in the back seat, going with friends. I was alone, and buckled, watching the roadwork police officers wave me on. There was no similarities between the situations, no notable trigger for a memory, other than driving, and even then in different types of cars. Additionally, there were tons of other times that I’d been driving along without remembering it.
Anyways, my eyes started watering and I got really heavy. I cried for the first time over her death since it happened my freshman year. I don’t understand why it took so long for it to sink in, and now I can’t get it off my mind. I haven’t cried about it since, either, but I can’t really push it away again. It’s not like it’s the constant center of my attention, more like that it’s just sort of floating in the shadows and occasionally peaking out since I remembered it. As I said, it hasn’t made me cry since that one time, nor has it moved me to tears again, but it still makes me heavy.
I don’t understand why it took so long. I don’t understand why it only made me cry once. I don’t understand why it took so long to register emotionally, when factually it was accepted rather quickly. 🙁
All Comments
Everyone grieves in their own way. Some people just don’t cry and move on. It’s their way of saying goodbye. Other people cry and cry and cry. There’s no wrong or right. But I’m glad you realized how good of a person she was. You don’t get many genuine friends.
T.A.