i didn’t get all As, Bs and Cs this semester. I failed. I’m such a f****** failure. I fail my classes, I scrape by, I skip, I’m worthless. My parents don’t care about me unless I f*** up, and I f*** up all the time, but even then they hardly bother. I’ve never been grounded. I’ve been locked out of the house, if that counts as punishment, and had my room torn apart, but nothing else that other kids seem to get.

They don’t- they didnt care when I did good, in school or with anything else. But i still want to be good. I want someone to just love me, care about me, anything. This quarantine is killing me, i’m all alone. no siblings here, all my friends have gone away or don’t want to talk. i’ve started drinking cause my mom gets me alcohol and sometimes wants me to drink with her, it’s been since i was 13-14, but it doesn’t feel good. nothing feels good.

pain is the only thign that can calm me down, but barely, i can’t cut anymore cause it hurts in a psychological way so instrad i scratch at the skn on my throat and/or arms. it sort of works. every second is awful – i’m getting moer and more dysphoric about having t*** every day, i can’t look in a mirror anymore without crying and panicking.

i don’t want to die. i want to be good, and loved, and happy. but it’s so hard. it’s so f****** hard