Dear, Tob.

Can I call you that?
Hey, so. I thought about messaging you tonight because I cant sleep, but then I remembered that only psychos text their exes at 3:24am, even if it is just over discord. Lately Ive been wondering why you let me readd you, I just wonder if you felt pressured to or if you genuinely were interested in what I had to say.

That night we called each other was the closest thing possible to closure for me, even though I dont really believe in closure.

It was nice to catch up, it was nice to hear your voice, to laugh and talk about what music we were listening to those days. It was nice of you to say that you had been expecting something uncomfortable, but that you had a nice time too.

It reminds me of how different things are now… How it used to be so easy to just pick up my headset and talk to you and Cat. How we used to call for hours, just doing our own things together.

I dont think I ever felt so intensely about two people, the way I felt about you both. I just keep thinking that its such a shame I met you both when I was 11/12 and not now, at 17. Man Cath must be 19? 20 now? And you. You were always more mature than I was, so even though youre only a year older than me I know youre out there doing cool s***.

I think its kind of stupid for me to think like that, like yeah, ive done a lot of growing up in our time apart, but im still me. Im still doing the same old s***, just more self aware, and now i take out my aggression on myself instead of others.

Anyways. I miss you, how are you? Hows the heat in AZ(?)

Its getting hotter here, I run the fan all night and it doesnt help much. Mostly I just use it for white noise.

Hows quarantine? Are you doing okay? I know Im not.

I feel guilty just writing this. Its not like you’ll see it. If you did see it though, id want to know the answers to those questions. Not like im entitled to them obviously, im just curious.

I see your profile in my contacts, I see you on DA all the time. It makes me miss you. I know its just childhood nostalgia, wishing for something simpler. Wishing I could go back and cherish the time when I could truly call you my friend a little more. I wish all the time that we could be friends again, real friends, or that I could even come close to finding someone like you again. I used to look for you in every friendship, every interaction with a person i had, and my heart broke over and over again beause I knew I couldnt see you. That i was being pathetic. The day I stopped, my life definitely improved.

But still. I cant help wishing.