I feel this paralysing fear. I don’t believe I deserve love. I don’t believe its something I am allowed to havee or feel. I can’t imagine it. I can’t imagine someone liking me as much as I like them. I can’t imagine a single situation where me confessing my feelings would give me positive results. Why tell them? Its not brave. Its not hopeful. Its not going to happen. Its impossible. Look at me. I physically don’t deserve to be loved. I don’t understand how it works with other people. I know people who when they discover crushes, they would stress so much over how they were going to tell them, but why? What do you get out of it? Only embarrassment, shame, regret and responsibility. If they were to reciprocate, what then? You start dating? Well what after that? You just go onto your happily ever after? You’ll break up probably, or if you don’t, and get married, that’s so much responsibility. So much crap to deal with. Its so messy. So you keep it a secret. Something to entertain yourself with for the time being. But then, what if you had told them? What if this was your fairy tale moment?

I don’t know. Whenever my thought process gets to that point, my brain just gives me a flat out no. I can’t imagine it, someone liking me. Someone thinking about me. I know this is utterly pathetic, I’m not trying to pine for a relationship or s**, or whatever. My main issue is just, the fact that I am not allowed, or allowing myself to imagine myself being loved. Probably an over romanticised (pun intended) social construct though. I mean, love isn’t going to solve my problems. I just, I guess liking some guy who’s going to screw my life over makes you feel more scared. I just wish I could believe that its not impossible to love me.