I’m genuinely scared to catch feelings for this guy. This is all supposed to be just for fun but I don’t have the experience I need to separate lust from anything else. Maybe this is a bad idea. There’s just something about him that doesn’t scare me away like the rest. I think it makes me feel hopeful when it shouldn’t.

It has become a constant need to remind myself that: I am not fit to love, I am not fit to be loved and being alone is less painful than anything someone could do or say. Humans might be designed to seek out company but we’re not all worthy of it. Some of us are just difficult to deal with, fucked up somehow, and I think that it’s irresponsible and unfair to pretend that we aren’t.

So the goal is: don’t let on to this guy that I have any feelings for as long as I can without it hurting too much. Enjoy his touch, take what I can get and probably just disappear when I can’t take it any more. He’s way out of my league any way.