I thought somehow my ex was still into me. After we broke up, we remained good friends for a couple months and he started dating his current girlfriend.
He moved in with me and my roommates not even a month ago and I could have sworn there was something in the way he talked that made me jump and question “does he still have feelings for me?”. The way he would come home and, even though he’s told me he needs a lot of time to himself, he sits and talks with me in the living room for an hour before he goes to bed.
But he never gets close enough to touch. I’m too scared to go near him. Perhaps it’s something I’m doing to him. I’ve tried staying in close to him without touching him. When we flirted I would constantly be putting my hands on him. I don’t want to push it and make it noticeable I still like him too. That would get messy and I can’t risk him leaving before the lease.
But, I think about the one night before he moved in, just a week before, when he had him and his friend drop me off home and he got out of the car to hug me. And he gently kissed my neck.
Then, finally in response, I hugged him one night when he got home and nuzzled his neck. With no response back.
I often feel social inept and can’t tell if someone is actually flirting with me. I can’t tell when I’ve gone too far or not far enough. I have a hard time reading any social interaction. So imagine my confusion in all this.
The uncertainty and the hope I hold out but can’t act upon or acknowledge or talk about with anyone.
And it all crashed down last night.
Out at a bar with 20 of his friends for his birthday, his girlfriend is distant and enjoying her time elsewhere in the bar. I stray from him and find my own friends in the crowd and try to enjoy myself with them. And I go back to him for a bit, and then leave again. And he walks up to me and my group, and leaves. Of course, it’s a party.
But he jokingly grinds against me. And I get flustered. I know his girlfriend gets jealous easily. So I’m scared of her hating me but I let it happen knowing he knows her better than the rest of us.
He later does the same to another mutual friend who actually does it back.
And I realized last night…it could have been anyone.
It could be anyone sitting in the living room.
It could be anyone standing just a little too close to him.
It could be anyone and I am nothing special.
I feel once again like I put too much thought into simple actions. I don’t understand them. I try to analyze why someone is acting that way with me. But because I can’t understand in the moment how to react or what they actually mean, I feel stupid.
And I feel stupid now.
In all honesty I’m just tired of having people around me. They’re good people. I just feel too inept to be near them. Too annoying and childish.
I’ve started distancing myself again from group chats and friends and coworkers.
With everything going on, with how much stress I’m under, no one bats an eye. I don’t expect them to. Everyone has a lot going on. No one is going to notice me because I’m not announcing anything and I’m definitely not talking about how I’m feeling.
It feels pathetic to be a man and to still be so dramatic even if it is all internal.

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