I think I might have OCD but I’m not 100% sure, so I wanted to post this so that I could know what you guys think. I think I have exhibited plenty of unusual behaviors, especially when I was around 7-14 years old, that align with OCD although I haven’t really struggled with other symptoms of the disorder so it could just be general anxiety. Here’s a list of the more alarming possible symptoms I experienced:

I used to obsessively wash my hands to the point to where my skin started cracking and bleeding and it got to the point to where my family members were commenting on it.

Whenever I would enter a classroom, I would spend several minutes brushing “crumbs” off my chair before I would allow myself to sit down. I also did this with car seats.

I used to have an intense phobia of parasites (particularly worms) and it would often cause me to have emotional meltdowns. I wouldn’t allow myself to eat out or eat meals prepared by anyone else and always thoroughly inspected/broke apart food before eating it. I also tried to eat packaged foods since I thought the plastic wrapper made them better protected. I struggled with eating fruit, particularly grapes, and couldn’t eat noodles for obvious reasons. When I had panic attacks, I used to rub and press on my skin because I thought that there were worms under my skin and a photo of a worm would make me scream. I also frequently had nightmares about them and thought about them a lot.

I also went through a severe period in which I was terrified of seeing something scary. I would stay up all night sweating under the covers because I was convinced there was a monster standing next to my bed and I often had panic attacks in the shower. I was scared of looking in the mirror for fear of something being there and it got so bad that I couldn’t walk around my own house in the middle of the day with all the lights on by myself because I was so scared. I always had to have someone with me in order to feel safe. I was about 10-12 during this period, so probably too old to be scared of things like that.

I couldn’t stand it when anyone touched any of my belongings and it would make me extremely upset when they did. It was torture when I had a friend over

Anytime my parents fought, I HAD to follow them around because I was terrified that my dad would hurt my mom and I wanted to be able to call someone if he did.

Recently I had a horrible obsession with drawing and would literally force myself to draw every spare moment. (During school, every single moment after school, on weekends, on vacation etc) it was horribly mentally exhausting but I felt that I needed to do it because I feared that I would get rusty and that I needed to improve because I felt a really strong need to be the best at drawing.

Sometimes my obsessions get extremely intense. I can literally think of 1 thing nonstop for an entire night and much of the day. A lot of the time what I was thinking about wasn’t even unpleasant (like a game that I really liked for example) but the constant thinking was exhausting and upsetting. Sometimes I would end up thinking about something so much that I would end up repeating a phrase over and over in my head until my thoughts wouldn’t even make sense anymore. (I still do this)

I overthink and second guess myself constantly

I have weird quirks like the fact that I can only use a pen during school. It used to make me very uncomfortable when I was forced to used a pencil. Also when I played the Sims 3 for example, I would need every single component of a room to be one color. (Wood, bedsheets, floor, walls, color of lights, desk etc)

It used to make me mildly uncomfortable when objects were used for something other than their intended purpose

The brunt of what made me suicidal was that I was failing to meet the impossible expectations I set for myself. I didn’t think life was worth living if I wasn’t perfect

I used to deal with excruciating levels of despair and hopelessness (although this has greatly lessened over the past year or so) As well as suicidal thoughts and anxiety

Possibly the most baffling problem is the thick mental fog I’ve been in for the past three years

– it seriously impairs my ability to focus. It’s preventing me from getting a drivers license because I can’t focus when I’m driving and I’ve gotten very close to crashing many times
– I have trouble remembering anything. I hardly even remember what I did last year and have forgotten pretty big chunks of my life
– Sometimes it will make me stutter or forget what I’m saying mid sentence
– I have trouble paying attention and understanding things. If someone says something to me, it can take up around three full seconds for my brain to register what they said
– It feels like I’m watching my life on a tv screen. Everything feels dreamy and flat. I could travel to the most beautiful place in the world and feel no emotion whatsoever. It’s like I’m not even alive anymore
– It feels like my head is stuffed with cotton
– This condition is extremely distressing to me and is literally ruining my f****** life. I have researched it extensively and still I don’t know what exactly is going on

Ive been dealing with pretty bad insomnia over the last few years and sometimes it can get so bad that it’s maddening.

I have constant head tension and tense muscles in general. I have tried massaging them, meditating for sessions that last over an hour, fixing my diet, exercising every day, taking tension headache medicine etc but it never goes away. Sometimes it’s worse than other times, but it is literally there 24/7 and I have to sleep through it every night.

I am currently on the max dosage of anti-depressants as well as anti-anxiety yet I still struggle with many of these problems. My therapist said that I might not be getting relief because I might have OCD that isn’t being treated, but I’m unsure. Do you guys think this aligns with OCD or just typical anxiety? Sorry this was long and thank you for reading to the end.

• Share on Facebook