I’m jealous. I’m hurt. I still love them both and want to be supportive but it’s hard when they have what I almost had but didn’t because I wasn’t good enough. I feel lied to. lead on. Tired of being hurt. I just want to move on. How do you move on when there’s a constant reminder of when I got hurt. I dont want to be hurt anymore. I know time heals but I only have so much time before everything is different. Maybe different is good. But why does letting go have to be so hard? I want to stay in touch and continue to love you. Because the truth is that my love for you is unconditional. Maybe I wish it wasn’t. If I could just walk away and not think about you ever again, I would. But it’s not that simple. I’ve made a promise. Even after we talked, I couldn’t cut you out. You say you still want me in your life and I want that too. We agreed to go back to normal. I want that so bad. I wish it was that easy. When I told you that’s what I wanted, i didn’t know how hard it would be to carry that out. I’m afraid that normal isn’t possible anymore… YOU made those steps, and led me to reciprocate what you were giving me. Then you stopped. So instantly that it’s like we hit a brick wall when I wasn’t looking. But maybe you were. If only I knew if you had planned to hit that wall before hand or not. All I know is that you were driving. You had control and to be completely honest, I think you still do. I want it back. I dont want you to have this power over me. I want to drive myself and have control of myself. But you wont let me. You hit that brick wall then got out of the car to get help. But you never told anyone that I was still in the car. You moved on and left me to fend for myself. only after bystanders found me is when I was able to catch Up to you a little bit. Confront you. And for whatever reason reasure you that I am glad you are okay. Reasure you that I am fine and I am okay with you walking away. Because I tell you that you walking away is just you walking forward. And you know how I feel about progress. “I’m on your side”. I tell you that I know you went to get yourself some help and just left me, and you don’t say anything. So I tell you again that I love you. That’s still true for whatever reason. I want the best for you. I want you to be happy. But seeing you be happy in the distance is more difficult then I could have imagined. Because although I was found in that car, a part of me is still in there. It was left behind and it’s locked in there but only you have the keys. It’s the part of me that hurts the most. It’s overwhelming and I want to be let out. I want you to come back and tell me why you did it. Why did you take me into your car in the first place. Why was it so easy for you to walk? I want the truth. Im not one to allow people to take advantage of me so why are you different? because im still scared of loosing you. You have been there for me and continue to “be there”. You tell me im an amazing friend. Nothing else. I’m tired
of being reminded. How do we just pretend that this never happened? I’m tired. I wish we never got in that car. I wish I wasn’t sho blinded. I wish that the help you went to after all of this wasn’t someone I loved. I wish I was able to hate both of you. But. I can’t. I love you more then you know. I wish I didn’t.