You know what would’ve been beautiful (to me, you and I had different experiences together)

What would have been beautiful would be we have our thing for those years that we had. You absolutely break my heart like nothing ever and leave me in a mess, needing to clean myself up and get myself in a place to be an attractive man to you and a friend at least. I LET YOU GO TO DO DOWN WHAT YOU NEED TO DO, and not contact you. I take the pain and go through life in hell needing you, and eventually life is livable again. I go through my s*** and while I'm doing That, because I have no idea, not one clue what exactly you have been up to all these years, I here vague things that do break my heart to hell but you respect me. You love me like I loved you, but you know whats right what you want and what needs to be done, but you leave me, knowing you have crushed me, you avoid anything that could possibly hurt me even a little bit, you respect me you love me, but  keep me to yourself and never speak of me, you do what you need to do. I cant expect you not to live or love while you do your thing, I was in too much pain for too long to even care about anyone else, you do your thing we respect each other, love each other and suffer sometimes while we are apart, and then in 2020 when weve done what we needed to do, and didnt burn the bridge for no reason, we could at least get together as friends or whatever with nothing in between us. Or with the bridge intact

I still dont know how or why you had to burn the bridge so badly. God. I couldnt stop you but I often wonder if you realised how damn hard you were on It? Did you try to destroy It? I think about it like you literally lost your s***, nobody in this world would have been able to stop you, and it took me for a ride I didnt want to take.

You know what honey, In just want peace too. It actually crushes me, I think about you, I dont even know what you've become or what kind of influence some of these scumbags have had on you as a person. I am kind of afraid of you. That s**** but its true. I know you some some s*** that makes me kind of sick tbh. It's dark s*** and its untrue. I was thinking about that today. I knew you, you were a different person. Young, in school, aspirations, still a kid technically. Ive seen traces 10 years ago, not much about you since anywhere. Who knows what you are now. I definitely can't handle being close to someone with so so many other people fighting for attention. I do not want that. That seems to be a theme with you. I could handle It if I didnt know every one of them but I don't really fight either, so it just ends up being irritating to me. I step away and let them have at her, while we just stay separated. I think you’re a popular girl and thats alright, I am not comfortable with that, and it might be because for me, being with you, or even wanting to be with or around you feels like trying to talk to someone with 5 people all around you trying to hit you with bats. I have never said that I have never actually thought about it that way, but that’s what it is. even just to talk to you, even to think about It, it’s like a battle, and you know it’s not yours. That what it feels like. The only time it didn’t was that first summer. You and me. You were 22 then. You didn’t have sonmuch and it felt like you were alone here. You had me. It felt that way anyway, I’m sure I wasn’t alone, but I didn’t know it anyway.