Today I was cleaning my room with my mother, she was very mad at me for letting my room become a mess and for letting all the garbage accumulate there, while she was yelling at me for being slow and for all the s*** I did and blah blah blah I started feeling sad since she was saying a couple of mean things, (my mom usually does that when she’s really mad, she always regrets it and apologises later) after she said those things I was sitting there on my bed while she cleaned some things and I felt a sudden feeling that scared me, my thoughts went unclear and, almost without noticing, I planned the murder of my mother and the rest of my family in my mind, and felt no regret about it, at all, I could perfectly picture myself grabbing my grandfather’s gun while he was idle, then using it to kill my entire family, all that without feeling no regret. After a few minutes thinking about that i started getting really worried, I noticed how I stopped caring about anything, I could no longer think about my future, about my love for my family, like if nothing else mattered for me. I’ve thought a lot, it has been around 1/1.5 hours since this just happened, my thoughts have gone a bit more clear but I’m still desperate, I’m shaking and almost throwing up, but I still can’t manage to cry or feel sad, this is killing me, I really don’t want to hurt anybody but the thoughts were SO REAL, it felt like I was about to grab my grandfather’s gun and do it, it really scared me.
I really need help with this, I’m trying to think positive but I can’t, if there’s any psychologists or psychiatrists there please help me, these thoughts are killing me.