I live with a schizophrenic with chemical imbalance. They refuse to believe they have any medical issues and have multiple doctors who have to work around that. I can’t abandon them, because the disease isn’t who they are. They deserve happiness. But they make my life hell. Some days I wake up and have the sick twisted hope that when I go to care for them, I’ll find them dead.

I know that’s terrible. I know they don’t mean to do any of what they do. But truly, I wish I could get through to the person under that mess and say I loved them while they lasted. Because this thing they have become is pitiful. Death would be a mercy to someone who isn’t even in control of their own thoughts.

To schizophrenics and the like out there, I hope you have a good day. I know you guys don’t want the damn thing. It’s a f****** curse. And to who you are now, you’ve fought tooth and nail to become who you are and deserve to love yourself for that. You’re all great.

But to the woman who ignored the warnings and birthed me into this wretched illness, I want to hug you to death while we burn in a fire of our own making. Maybe then I can forgive you. Because of your stupidity I’m bound here, a trap of your own unconscious making.

It feels like hell. If this is hell, I wouldn’t be surprised. I’d rather already be dead and suffering for sins I’ve committed than spend one more moment with this thing. A husk of a person who has just as much a soul as I have hope left for this bleak thing called a world.

Sorry, I just came off a long panic-driven thought process. But I just want it to end. I just want it all to end. Maybe that’s happiness. Maybe it’s suicidal ideation. Probably the latter. F*** if I care anymore.