To day is the first day that I have taken the time to think about you and actually write about it instead of concentrating on getting you off of my mind.

15 years

581 Views

To day is the first day that I have taken the time to think about you and actually write about it instead of concentrating on getting you off of my mind. Either way you are always on my mind, im my dreams, and my mundane tasks, recently listening to our favourites , live.. was like your name was riding out at the end of every single note I could hear. Your face ever so prevalent in my mind, I don’t know what I have done to you, I am unable to understand or comprehend, and I swear to you sweet heart of mine you can not imagine the turmoil you have brought to my life. Like an iceberg pieces of my soul fall into the sea every day, but only for now I will admit to this, all the rest of my time is taken repairing the damage.

I don’t know at what point you began to look at me with resent, but I know you did, and you never had to say it, I could feel it every day. My inability to communicate effectively was the helping hand in borrowing myself deeper into the abyss of falling from your love. Things I done and said every day, a little more resent built up within you. I heard the call, all but to late, just like a story from the book of fables, a tale that in the end had to be told.

A love like no other, I swear to your sweet smiling face, you had my heart from day one.

And now? I will go on, I will progress, I will fill in all the holes that lie within, with relentless anticipation of things to come. For now I know our love is truly gone and resting with the lonely final words of its over. xxxx

New Confession

I wasn’t trying to be obsessive again.
I was looking back on my thoughts and offering a genuine apology for making your blood boil. Setting you off again was not my intention, and I hope you can understand and appreciate my efforts. (No I’m not being sarcastic)
I do see my thoughts are obsessive, but it was coming from a positive place. I didn’t sexualize you or say anything untrue this time.
I hate that I’ve hurt your feelings to the point that just hearing about me makes you wish death upon me.
Again, not here to stock or upset you. (I’ll never get better if I don’t process these thoughts from my past) Do you really want me to suffer forever, or do you want me to get better? I respect either choice. I don’t expect forgiveness, but I know you deserve not to feel that anger.
.. D*nm I really am obsessed and need help with this.. (but was it the fact that I know your b-day, love of coffee anything, or me looking up things I’ve said to you?) I guess all of it, I kinda answered that myself there.

Related Confessions

I got mad at my boyfriend for talking to other girls in front of me, while I sat on his best friends lap. I feel like a hypocrite but at the same time I feel valid. My boyfriend asked me to do this, to play this role with his friend. My boyfriend and I are not supposed to be seen together in front of certain friends of his, and at this party I had to pretend to be his best friends girl so that no other guy would try to hit on me. Okay, so I played along and was now the girlfriend of his best friend. I did not tell him to flirt with other ladies right in front of me, or to dance with them. So I’m feeling petty, mad, and his friend is buying me drink after drink. I’m upset that I can’t be on my boyfriend so I start milking it with the friend, my ‘boyfriend’ of the night. I hold on his waist, I sit on his lap, to other couples that we talk to ‘we’re going to try for a child this year’, like we’re playing the part to a T, he’s feeling on me, were dancing naughty on the floor. I’ve never danced with anyone like that and I had a really good time with him because he looked after me so well. He didn’t even let me go to the bathroom alone, he’d wait by the door. He was so sweet. But I was so upset at my boyfriend for not even like trying to come say hi, check on me or anything. He was too busy with other ladies. By the end of the night, I was pretty toasty. I don’t even remember going to the last bar, but I remember being there again on his friends lap. He’d just hold me and talk to me while my boyfriend was again, talking to another girl. I told my ‘boyfriend of the night’ how upset it made me, and how I didn’t want to put up with it. Maybe I said a little much.. and I kind of regret it. I didn’t and wouldn’t kiss the friend, I would not sleep with the friend. But my boyfriend said ‘i’m not upset, but if I was not there i’m sure things would have escalated between the two of you’. Which I kind of took offense to because I was doing what he told me to! I’ve only been with two guys and him! Three total, I don’t sleep around! and he has the nerve to say that. I don’t know. I’m upset, but I also feel like a hypocrite. Maybe I milked it too hard by dancing with the friend, by holding his thigh while we sat together. UGH I get flustered just thinking about it! But he made me feel safe and like I could do those things without anything more happening! He was kind and didn’t push any limits. There was no risk between us. But I did have a good time. I am debating on whether or not to message the friend (get this, the friend and I are connected on social media but my own bf won’t unblock me because he can’t risk people knowing about us because hes married..) ANYWAY I was debating on whether or not to message the friend and just thank him for the night. and also apologize for.. getting a little sloppy and handsy.. I hold my face in embarrassment just thinking about it.
I asked my bf after that night if he was upset with me, and he say’s ‘Nah I really don’t care, just s*** me off’. . .
I’m so … stupid.

So after writing this, I messaged the friend. I apologized for getting handsy and thanked him for the fun night. He said he had a GREAT time with me and that I should be brought out to dance more. (I never get taken out to dance.) The realization of all of this is making me cry lol.. I’m feeling even more conflicted than I was ten minutes ago. . . Well time to go back to work in the office now.