I was late for work this morning because I slept in. I slept in because I didn’t get to sleep until 2 hours before my shift. I was up all night planning my suicide. I want out of this life.
I can never sleep during the work week, and am constantly exhausted. I hate my body most of all, I blame it for the way my life turned out. Short of surgery there nothing I can do, and even that wouldn’t help that much. I’m in my 30s, I’ve never been in love, I don’t think I can be. I’ve been raped so many times, my heart has turned to stone. My friends have all left me, despite all the effort I put into them. I’m not just not a likeable person I guess.
I use to have hobbies, but anymore I’m so tired, I can’t enjoy them. All I do is work, dream of love I’ll never have, and work some more. I’m going crazy, I’m losing hours out of the day, sometimes I reread what I wrote and there are just words missing from sentences.
I cut the shit out of my arm last night. It was my first time, I never thought I would do that. I’ve attempted suicide before, but it was more a cry for help than self harm. I enjoyed cutting myself. The way it stings feels good. I’ll do it again tonight. Maybe if I keep distracting myself with this, I can live a little longer. But why? I’m just a waste of space.