I don’t have a future. I am beyond stupid and no matter what, I have no will to do anything. When someone tells me to do something, and has even a hint of rudeness, I’m such a spiteful person that I blatantly refuse to do it. I hate the thought of going to college because I know how stupid I am. I’m always so paranoid at school. I got by this semester with only one B, and no matter how much my family yells at me or how much my teachers shame me, I still don’t try. My parents want me to grow up to be a marine biologist or a nurse, but I know I’ll never have the will to study to be either of those. I honestly think about killing myself sometime around college because I don’t see a future. I want to choke the living day lights out of my friend who always complains about having a low A, but then I realize that she’s grown up different from me, and to her, something as stupid as a low A is failing. I want to kill myself before I get to be twenty, I don’t want to live with the thoughts of “if only I had” and watching other people achieve things I want to do so badly, but never had the will to push myself to get. There are so many other people deserving of life, of chances, and of happiness, so why should I, someone who is of no help to the world, take their place. And yet, I don’t want to kill myself, because what there’s just nothing? I fear so badly what comes after death that I try to distract myself by indulging in social media and alcohol. I want to die so badly, but I’m too much of a coward to do it, because of my fear of the unknown. If you’ve read this far, you’re probably thinking I am selfish, or stupid, or cowardice, or just whining over chances that I could take control of at any moment, f*** man I’M thinking that.Thank you for listening to me complain, I hope by time I find this note again, I have become a better human.

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