trigger warning, please be aware.
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for the past two years, i’ve been feeling really, really low. i do things that make me happy, yet i always end up feeling empty and sad. two years ago, i got mono and had to stay home from school for a week. during that time, i missed out on a lot of major lessons, so when i went back to school, i was confused. at the time, i really didn’t have that many friends, so nobody wanted to help me out with the homework, and i was left without a clue on what to do. i could’ve asked my teacher, but guess what? i was extremely shy and anxious, and i thought i’d bother her. my grades started slipping, and soon, i had almost straight f’s. my parents screamed at me all the time, and always told me how much of a disappointment i was to them. i started to really dislike myself, all because i thought my parents didn’t love me. and one day, i cut myself. they weren’t deep, they were only like cat scratches, but they were there. and i didn’t regret it. i tried to kill myself in the school bathrooms with ibuprofen, but after taking a lot (not too many), i got scared and cried. i remember walking back to my class and just staring at the wall, really hoping i would die. i didn’t, obviously, but my stomach hurt really bad the next day.
the last time i tried to kill myself in 2016 was when i cut myself really deeply. i was bleeding really, really bad, and i seriously thought i was going to die, so with my other arm, i wrote a suicide note. when i was done, i just laid down and hoped i would pass away in my sleep. when i woke up, my wrist stung and my blanket was bloody. i hid the note under my bed.
i cut myself all the time and continued to take ibuprofen even when i didn’t have a headache. but in march of 2017, my mom found my note.
she and my dad screamed at me and told me i deserved to be locked in an insane asylum. they called me an attention w**** and my dad even told me that he was going to call the cops on me. the day they did this, i was with some people walking in town. i was having a good day, i was finally feeling something other than sadness. but then they called me and told me to get home.
in june of 2017, i discovered bts. they make me so, so happy. honestly, they’re the only people keeping me alive right now.
this year, i’ve gotten so much worse. my dark thoughts happen constantly, and i can’t stop them. my parents don’t care about me. my only friend left me because i tried to tell her i was thinking about killing myself. nobody cares.
my school counselor was my only hope, and i can’t talk to her any more. she always tells me the same things, and they aren’t working. it’s so hard to keep living. i know life is supposed to be hard, but why is it like this for me? i know i’m selfish, i know but i can’t deal with this anymore. i can’t deal with the weight that’s always pushing down on my chest. it’s becoming too much.
i know this is long, and i’m sorry. it feels nice getting this off my chest. it really does.
