I have ADD, Autism, and Depression. Say, in this instance, it’s comparable to having a gunshot wound in your arm (it’s a wacky metaphor, just bear with me). In my family, my father has lung cancer, and my mother is physically disabled. These can be comparable to just having your arms removed. I have a wounded arm in a house full of amputees.
What I’m trying to say is, even though my struggle feels world splitting, and it affects me deeply, I am told that because my mother and father have it worse off and they’re still somehow functional humans, I should also be functioning.
What I just realized in late 2017, is that I need to “cut off my own arm”, so to speak.
If ADD, Autism, And Depression, and all the challenges these individual illnesses bring to me are not considered a problem, I need to make it a problem, or else I am selfish. If I have it better off than someone else and I find it hard to do things, then I am inherently a bad person.
So far I’ve:
-injured myself regularly
-starved myself regularly
-isolated myself from others regularly
-abused painkillers occasionally
-abused alcohol occasionally
-purposefully sought out people who were abusive to me emotionally in the past because I feel my past abuse isn’t worth anything at all
If I’m not an “amputee”, then my complaints are not justified and they make me bad.
All Comments
You don’t need to cut off your arm. You can just go to the doctor
But in the meantime, you seem to like lists. Why are you listing your self-degrading aspects on a list when you can do the complete opposite and list things you aspire for and how you can set goals to get there?
You are the average of the 5 people you spend your time with
I love Autism, it makes people sweeter and more interesting
I’m not sure if this will help in any way, but I have autism and antisocial personality disorder.
I’m not sure if you could say my parents were abusive, but they just had no idea how to treat and raise a child. They used to beat me up and humiliate me as a punishment. They started intensively studying those books about child behavior and parenthood when my brother was born and he had a good childhood. At the same time they were always telling me my brother was nicer and better that me and when i told them it’s because they never hit him they answered that “we stopped doing that a long time ago to you so you’re okay now”.
I woved out to a different country and my only purpose in life is my job, I have no friends, never had a partner (I don’t think I need anybody) I get drunk at least once week and I lost my virginity to a prostitute. This is my life. I think I’m fine like this, I don’t see any other way to live.