Hi. It’s me.
I know that we can’t see or talk to each other, and I know that it is my fault. But I just needed to get some things out. You were always so good at listening to me. And I know there’s no reason for you to waste your time to read this whole thing (especially from me). But they say to speak your truth, even if no one hears it, so here goes…
I never got a chance to thank you for what you did for me. It saved my life. And I love you for that, and so much more.
Yes, I love you, even still. I loved you for a long time, and I know I always will. I can admit that now, at least to myself, and you.
I miss you dearly. It hurts for you to not be around. You are an amazing person, and I am less without you. I think about you every day. But I don’t act on it because I am a coward.
I know that you told me that I’m not what you want. I understand completely. Thank you for letting me down gently. But I wish I was. I wish that I could provide you what you want and need. It would have made me so happy to be that for you. Even until the right person for you came along.
Thank you for not hurting me. It would have been so easy for you to do so, but you didn’t. It speaks to the kind of person you are. But you were right when you said you could have. I would have taken the hurt and the pain, and been happy. I still would.
You are worthy of my trust and devotion, but I know that I’m not worthy of yours, not even to be your object, much less your love. I’ve proven that with my cowardice and my actions. But I wish I could just be there with you, even on the side.
I thank you for not destroying my life, even as I inconvenienced yours. I put all of my stupid s*** on you, and kept making mistake after mistake. And you still were there for me, even afterwards.
I’m sorry that I’m not better than this. I really do try. And the people around me give me praise, but it rings hollow. Because I know the truth. And so do you. I know what I am.
But I will continue to live this life. I have no other choice. These people give me value. If I were to lose them, like I lost you, I would be alone. I can’t handle being alone and abandoned. So I lie, and hide who I am. Because no one can really love the real me. I know that now. I am broken. I am weak. I am a coward. I am a liar.
You were the closest I came to being truly loved for my real self. And I understand why you didn’t want that. I am lacking in things you want. That’s what I do. I lack.
I should have stopped when you said so. I wish I was smarter. If I was, you still would be here. And I would be happy. I should have listened.
You were right, and I was wrong.
I truly wish nothing but the best for you. You deserve every good thing that comes your way. And I hope you find people who are worthy of you. Thank you for being who you are, and who you were to me.
Love always,
Me
