About 6 years ago I dumped my girlfriend of 5 years who for all intent and purposes was the love of my life if such a thing exists. She can be literally insane, occasionally violent and is the most dramatic person I’ve ever met..but I love her. When I dumped her I was so mentally exhausted and sick of her suffocating me and never hanging out with others when she could’ve and they kept asking her. She stayed with me 24/7 unless working.

This was not always a bad thing as we were together for a reason but she assumed I was cheating. I wasn’t. How could one cheat when she’s always there? Not like any women nearby were around nor any of interest. It was in her head.

I’ve never cheated on a girl ever. I just break up with them if I’m unhappy. Here, she went at me and felt as if she threw me in the corner on the spot. The simple question after accusing me of cheating, are you still even in love with me? I panicked and said I didn’t when she asked. That wasn’t true but I was becoming sick of her drama and her jealousy so I guess I let it linger for a reason or did I? I understood the latter because all my friends are women and my best friend and me have a unique connection.

My best friend lives in another state and we rarely saw each other so she didn’t have anything to worry about and we were never involved in that way but because me and my bestie had similar personalities and she is very attractive and was a harmless flirt, my girlfriend was naturally jealous and suspicious. Problem was any woman I befriended or talked with as I’m a talker and I get along with many people, she would snap out of nowhere. It had to seemingly all be about her for everything and I felt drained. She wasn’t a bad person and often was quite pleasant but at times she was so caustic and hostile for bo reason it’s any wonder anyone even bothered to talk to us.

Her acting like this was causing a multitude of problems but as being out of it and annoyed with her as I was, it wasn’t my plan to dump her. We just had issues. Put on the spot with a hot question, for once in my life I had amazingly nothing to say and answered her question with a lie that I didn’t still love her. She naturally went nuts, started crying and screaming. I felt like trash. I tried talking with her but damage done. For some reason, I just went with it.

All I can think is I was just sick of her and all her accusations and suffocating of me 24/7 that I just said it but I still loved her, I was just gone. We were living in an apartment building from hell and fights with psychotic and abnormal neighbors were constant. We were even finally in the process of moving to a new apartment when this happened. I felt sick to my stomach but still went with it. At times, unsure why because her crying was killing me. It was like I simply wasn’t there except to watch.

Having thought about it much later on, it was clear I was sick of her at the time and was just spent, but I strangely went with the lie that I wasn’t still in love with her. I was. I was just sick of the way she was acting as if was ruining my friendships and relationships with people in my family because of her intense drama over always having to have the last word, be right and that everything is black and white which it surely isn’t. Drove me nuts as it if did most that knew her.

I know why she was like this though or believe I do, so I continued the lie in playing the villain so much that she moved back home after I broke up with her. One night she was on the phone with her daughter in another state as she moved to where I was for better healthcare besides, well me. The goal was to have her son and her daughter come up when he was better (he’s autistic, and was in a home at the time), and her daughter wanted to finish her senior year of school first. That’s a whole other story but it was her choice.

I always felt guilty about it but the healthcare was the reason and it was with best intentions for all as we had a plan, but life and circumstance took over. One night after hearing her with her daughter on the phone, it hit me what I already knew, that they cannot exist without one another.

She was more unstable with me because her daughter wasn’t there. It felt this at the time but as I found out later on she is the same with pretty much everyone. Although then, I thought it was mainly because of her daughters’ absence. It was a huge part of it. She always was until this plan that fell apart. They are thick as thieves and make one another better. They look like sisters and act like it too.

Neither of them once the impasse happened could do anything to get each other back together in the same place, so I finally took action. I played the villain and sold the lie.
I came so close to going to couple’s therapy which she had mentioned previously, but I barely shrugged at because I was so detached and lost. Gee, I wonder why but that call cemented the lie for me.

The fact is I never stopped loving her and still do but felt those 2 without each other was worse than her without me or vice versa. I’ve never been the same with women after her in meeting sociopath after sociopath before giving up, but I still love her. I feel I ruined my life by making a sacrifice of what one else could do and I own it 100%, but I miss her.

I made my bed and I lay in it alone. We tried talking a few times and all we did is fight, then she was talking to me bragging about some guy who eventually just used her for s** because he had a crush on her in high school. We talked when possible until a real boyfriend popped up who understandably was jealous and suspicious even though we were broken up. We were just friends but he made an ultimatum in him or me and obviously she chose him.

I never blamed him as most guys wouldn’t be thrilled about a new girlfriend seemingly always on the phone with her ex. We didn’t talk that much but we talked and we’re still close at the time somehow. So that was that or so I thought.

He dumped her too a year or little bit after because of the usual problems. Overly dramatic over nothing, butting her nose in on things non pertinent to her, picking fights with his friends, control issues and the fact he didn’t understand her mood disorder. I did because I have it too but mine wasn’t as bad as hers was at the time, but it was so much more than the norm. Again though, another story.

She comes back again venting and saying just as well. What she didn’t know was he came to me on her phone saying wtf is wrong with her? I asked what was going on, was it the usual dramatics, picking fights, being jealous over nothing, or worse? He said all of the above but so much more. Was why I initially broke up with her too but deep down I know the truth. He split not being able to handle the constant suffocation, losing his friends because they hated her and all the fights over nothing.

Amazingly, after hearing all that I thought to myself wow I was good at handling psychosis. I wonder if she was violent with him like she was occasionally with me. I didn’t ask obviously but he kicked her out too. There seems to always be a new guy with her, then he runs and vanishes. I can understand why. I still feel bad though usually.

It was my initial reason for staying with my decision to break up. I felt different but I still loved her. I just stupidly didn’t show her let alone tell her I was still in love with her and wanted to fix it. That pretty much says it all in a nutshell why I stayed with it.

The strange thing was I was going to tell her let’s just try couples therapy. Sure, I’m not myself and that’s obvious to anyone and yes you’re too clingy and at times overbearing but let’s try and salvage this was my thoughts. That was until I heard the phone conversation. Crying and missing each other and her daughter flipping out over her boyfriend going crazy after failing in the marines. It was too much. That guilt again. Taking her away from her daughter even if it was her decision to move first to set things up.

I’ve had to play the villain before, so I sold it to myself first before the actual lie was in full force acting away. Granted, I didn’t tell her that I didn’t want to break up and wanted to salvage or try to salvage things as I had planned to attempt before hearing the dreaded phone call.

Pretty easy for one to naturally say he still didn’t tell her, so how was she to know? It’s fair, however, here I could’ve but kept going because of that heartbreaking phone call. Her daughter was in ruins all the way back home and was stuck and my girlfriend was a crazy mess without her. I just sold it to all. It seemed right despite feeling like crap.

I believe in retrospect it was the right decision for the most part, but often hate and question myself how I went about it. There had to have been another way and I didn’t even tell her as I didn’t want to make the situation worse and her daughter needed her badly,!so I essentially took one for the team. However, I can also see how anyone would naturally say he’s just lonely and alone so he’s saying all this. I understand that too trust me.

Today, they are happy together now and her daughter is back to normal. My ex is still going through men like Kleenex and picking fights with strangers or would be boyfriends, and most likely getting used for s** by buffoons. Are we both better off, or am I just an idiot?

It’s easy to pick either side but in some ways despite hating myself over dumping her and going through with it, it was the best thing I ever did, but for them. Just hate how I lied and kept going when I still loved her. Maybe some people that love each other are better off apart, but here I feel I gave her no real decision in the matter to hear otherwise. I own it but it haunts me still six years later.