I was exposed to p*** in 1st grade, and it left an impression on me. I’ve never felt like I’ve developed well in terms of how I relate to women. I’m married now with amazing kids and an amazing wife. It’s truly a good life. But somehow I find myself living a lie, where I keep pursuing new s***** experiences. It was just through watching videos for a while, but then it led to getting sensual massages, and getting extra services, just for the sake of the “experience” (what’s it like to be with a Japanese woman, or a Thai woman, or what’s it like to get a b******). Every single time I have pursued this, it has left me empty and unsatisfied. Sure it felt pleasurable, but the gnawing reality that it isn’t connected to anything real based on relationship is how the cycle repeats. You admit a truth afterwards that you couldn’t see before – that it’s not real, and thus could never satisfy you the way relationships were truly meant to satisfy you.

Work hard at your relationships. Labor at it, until you’re deeply committed to someone else, even when they can’t give anything back. And if you find yourself with someone who reciprocates that, remember – that is more true than anything else you can experience. The mechanics of who they are or what s** acts you do don’t create the pleasure. Being known and loved, and expressing the joy of being with the person in s***** and non-s***** acts is the only sustainable source of pleasure. If you try to get it in other ways like I did, you’re actually taking a step backwards, because you’re undoing a real, satisfying relationship in your life. Even if your partner doesn’t know about what you did, the truth is they are affected. By your behaviors, by your guilt, by the fact that you’re not the person you could be. Your mind, motivations, and affections lie elsewhere and amount to betrayal.

I was very s******* pure and waited for my wife before marriage. Ironically, that caused me to believe I had “missed out” and needed to experience what was out there, like other people got to do in college. I regret the experiment. Really. Giving yourself to someone who isn’t committed is lonely. Because it undermines the s**. You have it and you think “now I mean something to someone”. But you don’t. You know I’m right because of everyone who you gave yourself to who left you. You have nice experiences and memories, but they get colored by the reality of not being rooted in a relationship, and so become meaningless.

Another way this manifested was in buying every s** toy at the shop, for the “experience”. This is even more meaningless than s** acts with a fling.

I commit right now to end it. No more pursuing a double-life. The experiment is over. I’ve been given a wonderful life, and sometimes I feel like if I don’t get my crap together, God’s going to take me out of the game. I want to enjoy it His way. I believe that God has my good in mind in the way he has designed life. I continue to believe that if I have a longing for more satisfaction, completeness, and acceptance in me, despite a great (but not perfect) marriage, which due to its lacking, I find myself wanting p***, massages, prostitutes, s** toys, and affairs…well, that longing just points me to a satisfaction only found in God. He designed it. He knows how to satisfy my heart if I would only hold it up to him. He is gentle and lowly and available to me to bandage me up and give me purpose again, despite my betrayal. How can I not drop to my knees in gratitude and say “command me?”. I want to be God’s bond-servant. Not p***’s.

With His help, it ends today. If you read this and want to pray for me, I’d appreciate it. I have a lot of confessing, repenting, and hard work to do.