I’ve lied.
I’ve lied for years it’s just part of who I am now. It started off with white lies in grade 6ish. “He’s my boyfriend” “I’m doing fine” “I like you” “I don’t cheat on tests” stuff like that. But as I got older it became more and more of a habit. Lying about things like eating self harm and suicidal thoughts. At the time I thought it was best for everyone I’d I pretended to be okay. Even though I wasn’t. I’m still not. By grade 8 I was lying to one person about caring about her. She thought we were friends. She thought we were close and she told me everything. She told me she stopped eating she told me she started cutting she told me she was in therapy. But on top of that she told me about the people she liked. She told me about one girl in particular who she really liked and I told her we were dating instead. It broke her heart and I watched it hurt her. I got a thrill from it. I think that’s where it started. The thrill of knowing that I can change someone’s emotions so intensely so easily with only my words. It feels like I’m god. That’s where it started and it never stopped. I’m grade 9 I started lying about myself to people I didn’t know before I quickly realized that I can even whoever I want around people who I didn’t know yet. It was fun at first and if I ever got to far into a trap that I decided I didn’t want to be I anymore I would fabricate another lie and get out of it. I was flirting with multiple guys at once even though I had a girlfriend. I let everyone to believe that I was a lesbian and even though I knew I wasn’t there’s something guys like about getting a lesbian to do stuff with them. Maybe it’s a sense of power. I did stuff with probably a dozen guys who thought i was a lesbian. And every time I gave them the same lie. “I’ve never done anything like this before and honestly if feels kinda weird but at the same time I like it.” To keep up my persona I made every guy promise that it would stay between us and to my knowledge none of them ever found out what I was doing. Eventually I’m grade 9 I had s** with a guy. I wasn’t ready for it but it happened. It was completely consensual but I don’t want him to think we were a thing or that it would happen again so I lied. I told a close friend I had been raped. I told him that he forced me and that it wasn’t consent. That was my first big lie. But it was so easy. Everyone believes the victim. I told everyone the same story I went to therapy for it and even got diagnosed with ptsd witch I know I’m lying about too. I still tell that story of the first time I was “raped” today. I figure it’s better that if I keep up the front so that no one from my pay will ever find out. After that lying just became part of my life. It was easy it was fun it was becoming who I am. And I did nothing to stop it. I’m fact I Made it worse. And now I’m not even sure what’s real and what’s a lie. But we’ll get to that. In grade 11 I had a boyfriend. It was the first time since grade 6 that I didn’t feel like I had to lie for someone to like me. He just did. I still kept the lies I had already told, being raped, hearing voices, those sorts of things. But other than that everything with home as the truth. Until one day it wasn’t. I cheated on him. I didn’t mean to but it just happened. I don’t want to but I didn’t say no either. When he found out I told him I was blackmailed. It was a lie and he believed it. It took a lot of convincing and I had multiple times to come clean but I didn’t. I made him believe that it wasn’t my fault. After this the lies got to much for me to handle and I tried to kill myself. I spent 3 weeks in a psych ward and continued to lie to doctors and parents about what was going on inside my head. I told them about voices in my head that controlled me. I was going for a schizophrenic diagnosis but didn’t end up getting one witch didn’t really matter because when I got out of the psych ward I told people I was schizophrenic anyways. I did however get diagnosed with borderline personality disorder. And honestly. I’m not sure if that ones real or not either. AM I putting up such a good front that even I can’t tell what’s true or not anymore. I’m not sure. But the lies didn’t stop. This year, I told the biggest lie of all. I told my best friend here that I Shen dissociative identity disorder. Now I’m keeping track of enough lies for 9 people. I’m starting to realize that this particular lie is the most dangerous. My friend fell in love with one of the alters I created. I have a fiancé and after about a month decided I couldn’t do that part of it anymore so I wrote a poem from that alter and had another alter find it and have my friend read it. I had no idea how much it would affect him. He cried. He cut. He was an absolute weak going through a heartbreak form a person who didn’t even exist. That’s when I knew I could t come clean. I can’t. But I can’t keep going the same way either. I killed off the alter he was in love with and it sent him into a spiral. He hates suicide. I sat there and watch him physically emotionally and mentally break. I put him through all that pain and the worst part is i did it on purpose. No the worst part is, I liked it. It makes me feel on top of the f****** world to watch my lies affect someone so much it truly feels godlike to manipulate someone so much. He is completely at my mercy right now and it’s such an intoxicating feeling. I control him. And all I have to do is talk. I never realized how much power words have until now and it’s the highest I have ever felt. Part of me wants to come clean. Part of me wants to tell everyone everything. But that part is small I know I will lose him and many others if I come clean now. I used to be able to lie my way out do things if it ever became to much but not this time. There is no getting out of it. My choices now are come clean completely and risk losing my best friend and anyone else I have here or continue to lie. At this point the lying feels to good to stop and the repercussions of coming clean will end everything thats good that I Have in life. I’ve decided that I will tell him. I’ll send my two closest friends my fiancé and my mom this note when I kill myself. If I’m dead they deserve to know everything.
