I dont like people. I dont know what it is about them and mabye i am just beyond fucked in the head but i cant relate to them or any problem they might have. And i always feel like im looking at people through a window. Even when interacting with them and talking to them i feel though as if they dont have anything in common with me. I feel like a goddamn alien. I can talk, i can walk, i can socialise to an extent, i can take part of and enjoy activities but i am never fully there. My laugh is always hollow, my smile is always crooked and my jokes always freak everyone out. I cant imagine what its like to feel human because i have never done it. Its not even like im autistic or “too smart” i can pick up on social cues and i am not a smart person, to put it mildly, but i just feel like a robot. Like i am going through the motions of being human, without really thinking about what im doing. I am acting on predetermined scripts, and without free will how am i supposed to feel? My reactions are instictual and emotionless. I have not once in the past 5 years felt something emotionally so strong that i could not stop it at any given moment.
I am lacking something so fundamental to being human that cannot be learned, that i cannot have explained to me, that i cannot read myself too.
In a way i am a lie, because noone has ever met the cold within me, i hide it so well under layers of masking tape, only leaving little holes the black, cold, goo can seep through to remind myself that i am bleeding.