7 years
x
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Dear CT:
I told you I wasn’t mad. That part was true.
But you turned me away when I was seeking safety and grounding. You withheld it from me, although you probably don’t know that. I don’t show expressions on my face, after all.
No, I’m not mad. I relapsed. I relapsed badly. For the first time in months, after holding back for so long, I relapsed. There was so much blood. The scars are going to last for years.
I’m not mad. But whenever I look at you, I relive the relapse. Every time your eyes find mine, I am reminded of my failure. I’m not mad; I’m terrified of relapsing again, and again, and again, until it’s back to the addiction, new scars every day and night. Fresh blood on my clothing and the stinging of dozens of wounds during my abulations.
I’m not mad. But how can I stand to meet your eyes when they make me want to rip my skin off just to forget?

New Confession

I remember we were both 16 I believe or she was older. No, she was a senior in high school and I was a sophomore. I knew her because we talked most of his time but at the same time I remember months later, she walked me down the steps and broad daylight in our apartment and that’s the first time I got my s** experience for my girl and I remember she was bending down I saw her with no p****** and I remember she got down after she bend over I said please get up and I said what are you gonna show me and she got done she put on my pants and she said you’re hairy and I said I know I am I forgot to shave and s***. I got hard and she said you have a huge c*** and I said I know I do I said I did them with it not that much and she started sucking it and giving me a h******* and it was nice. I don’t know if I peed or I come I don’t remember, but that’s when her little brother caught us and I said oh s*** we’re in trouble dude and I said please get up and her mom was there too like damn we’re fucked and we went to go back to the apartment and I’m like damn pain of shame and I’m was about to slapper and the siblings and her brother was there and I said kids go to the kitchen or go upstairs please dude I don’t know man go to the kitchen or go upstairs please dude thank you and the mom said listen to me while I’m talking to you and I said ma’am, you don’t have to your daughter and she was about you and I defend her and I’m saying ma’am don’t hit your daughter please and she said oh and I said no we’re not in love or anything it would just have fresh experience that’s all but I never only texted her once I said do you hey do you remember the black cat in our apartment and that’s it and she texted back saying what do you mean and I said do you know the cat and and no, and we just talked after that, but we didn’t do anything. Nothing like that then she said call my mom and I said I don’t know where she live and she said yeah you do and I called my mom and my mom was about to hit me. She got mad and s*** and I said mom don’t hit me. Hey don’t hit me please what’s wrong with you? We’re teenagers for once and we got caught and this is public disobedience I understand we probably traumatized that child but what I’m saying is it so forget what happened today and never speak of it again

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