A month and a half ago I started a relationship with someone. It’s my first attempt at a non-serious see-where-this-goes relationship.
Her ex kicked her out so she had to move in with me immediately so as not to be homeless. Thing is, we were all friends and still are, more or less. Her ex and I are pretty close now, my partner and her ex not so much. Her ex also now has a new boyfriend. Oh, we’re also all women.
So a bit of a messy situation, really. Because my partner and her ex aren’t getting along as well, hanging out with everyone is tricky, but I try and hang out with my partner when I can and her ex (my friend) when I can. Her ex and I were clubbing last night, dancing together and singing with each other and I realised something…
I think I may be in love with the ex. I knew my partner and I wouldn’t be long term pretty much immediately, but we both recognised it as an opportunity to try new things and grow. The warning signs have been there all along.
Deep down, I think I’ve gotten used to having someone around, and I definitely can’t break up with her now, when she’s still dealing with her issues with the ex and while she’s still living under my roof. And I do want to see how things are once she’s got her own place and isn’t so angry about everything.
But… I think I know what my heart wants. I know who I think about more, I know whom I’m more excited to get messages from and whom I’m happier around.
So yeah, I feel like s***, I’m falling back into bad habits like self harm and suicide ideation and I hate myself deeply. But there’s nothing I can do for now without really hurting the only people I know here. I’m just hoping it passes and my partner and I grow closer and better for each other. I’m willing to try, at least.
