I didn’t know what I was getting into when we first met. I was in a long-term relationship and for the most part was perfectly content. But the day I met you, something inside me felt… wanting. I ignored it, and you as best as I could. I rejected you and tried to push you away from me, but my intrigue and desire slowly grew. As did my dissatisfaction with my significant other. You finally wore me down and I went out with you. I thought your personality was that of a fuckboy’s and I disliked you. I bargained with the universe to let me keep my significant other whom I loved, and just let me sleep with you once so I could know what it was like and not want you anymore. I slept with you. I lied to my SO. You didn’t even know I had an SO. Instead of quenching a thirst, it became a need, a must. I have never had a s***** connection with anyone the way I do you. I was finally honest with my SO after about a month of seeing you on the sly. It devastated him and he threw me out of our home. I told you I was living with my brother and he kicked me out. I immediately jumped into a relationship with you because the lack of dopamine from my ex sent me spiraling down. I begged him to take me back almost daily before going out with you. You never knew. The more I got to know you the more I realized we had fundamentally almost nothing in common. My ex was sweet and nurturing and guided me. You were rough and accusatory and commanding. I saw I fucked up. That summer I told you I needed some time away after a particularly aggressive outburst you had towards me. I fucked three guys including the one your friend saw me out with and told you about but I avidly denied happening. I got hung up on one of the guys.. one that reminded me of my ex. He was sweet and kind, that best friend kind of dude. We got back together after time but I still had heavy feelings for my summer fling up until we moved. When we moved in together, things clearly turned to s*** because I was playing games with you and lying to you our whole relationship. When your ex best friend hit on me, if I wouldn’t have been so afraid of you, I would have slept with him and think about doing that now from time to time. Despite all of this, I do have love for you. No I’ve never been in love with you because I have not been able to get through your huge defenses to truly get to know your vulnerabilities and you as a person. I know you have hidden things from me and you have cheated as well. I looked past all those things because of the fucked up s*** I was doing left and right. I moved away from you and you are bound and determined to live your life out with me still. Little do you know everyone here pretty much believes I’m single, and most times, I enjoy that.

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