• 5 months ago
  • 0 0

I have lied to myself. I have lied to others around me. I destroy my life with lying. I have thrived on the attention it brings me. I want so bad to be liked and to have friends. I don’t know how to act in social situations and every relationship I have ever had I have ruined with lies and deception. I am bipolar and I suffer with mental illness. It’s agony to live this way. I feel unsettled and anxious. I have sought out professional help to get myself through this. My life is one big lie and oh what a web we weave when we deceive. This time I didn’t lie I told the truth and I was called out for being ill by a colleague…in a way I have only deserved this . It’s been coming for a long time. In a way this is what is best for me. However , everyone gets upset and the day I was called out I was upset and I was honest about my emotions and let them out . I was dramatic and obstinate impatience got the best of me and I felt inferior and frustrated in a circumstance….someone else was being reassured and I got upset and lashed out because I needed reassurance and I didn’t receive any. I assumed that the person giving reassurance was talking about me and saying to the other person what a loser I was in the given situation. When I was speaking to one of the individuals involved I began to explain in situations of stress I often don’t remember things and I can black out. Ammunition was used against me from weeks prior ( which my honest feelings were displayed to this person because I thought they were a mentor/a friend ) and I was told to professionally seek help they were not a psychiatrist ( yet the week before they were talking to me as a friend and as if they thought highly of me if in the weeks prior I had crossed boundary lines why want it brought to my attention and why was it saved up to be used against me ? Perhaps because the person I was working with was favored over me and the supervisor became passive aggressive with me because I stepped on my coworkers toes and i was actually human ) and I was treated incredibly poorly and polar opposite of how I had been treated prior to the incident. I know everyone makes mistakes and I certainly make my fair share of them daily including lying…but I feel hurt and exposed and I feel wretched. I’m ashamed and embarrassed because I got upset and I couldn’t handle my emotions. This is why I lie and put up a wall so my feelings can’t be hurt. I hate mental illness I hate that i have to lie to survive and I hate that I lie to feel some kind of emotion. This feels liberating writing this. I don’t like to be told that I’m wrong…but who does ? I did the best I could that day and I had a bad day. I feel disgusted with myself over this. I feel rejected. I can’t handle rejection. Maybe I can breathe easier now that I confessed all this.

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