I am 100% Asian. I know it. But I hate to say I am Asian and hate being one. I always want to be white. I am always jealous of white and wish I could be

8 years

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I am 100% Asian. I know it. But I hate to say I am Asian and hate being one. I always want to be white. I am always jealous of white and wish I could be white or at least half white. I know I cannot get away with the saying that I am fully white, so I started to lie around I am somewhat white, at least with white DNA. Since I am 5’9 and I have lighter eye color than average Asian, I am not convinced that I am 100% Asian. I took a DNA test to find out my ancestry During the waiting period, I constantly prayed that I have white DNA. I found out that I am 99% Asian and Native American. Among those percentage, I am 45% broadly Asian and Native American. I always grasp the point of having Native American DNA and boost around that I have Native American DNA, always convinced that Native Americans are white, but they are not. But the sound “American” makes me feel happier than being Asian. I know it, I am mostly Asian and I genuinely hate being one. I don’t even know why.

New Confession

I regularly think about hurting myself. I used to sh years ago but I’m 2 years clean now. But when it gets late at night or when I’m alone, I think of bashing my head into the floor, or taking as many pills as I can. I might think of dying sometimes but most of the time I think of the pain that might come with these things. Like how I might internally bleed or choke on my own vomit. I don’t feel normal. Not when I have these thoughts almost nightly.

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