I loved someone so much.
The day I first met him. He was beautiful. He hid his face but I fell in love with his personality and humour immediately.
We grew to become friends and he comforted me in my darkest times. He thinks he just stopped me from self-harming but oh boy, if he didn’t notice the signs I would’ve been dead by now. And I confessed but of course he rejected me.
And we drifted apart. Another girl quickly became friends, commenting on everything he did online.
“Oh you’re so funny!”
“OMG, I know right?”
“Lol, you never forget how to make me smile ;)”
They grew to become friends. And I became friends with them. But she constantly, but subtly, compared her relationship with him to mine. And slowly, more and more people began to ship them.
“Oh, they look so good together!”
I was just the ‘other girl’.
But then he got into a fight. And then he was hospitalized. And then he forgot who the hell I was.
The thing is I don’t know if that was the lie. How the heck do you get into all of that stuff and then post it online. How the heck do you remember all of that?
He could’ve checked my chat history but he didn’t.
And then he found a girl he remembered. And she wasn’t me.
The thing is, he isn’t a popularity-seeker. He doesn’t do that. I don’t care if he could’ve catfished me too. I pay my deepest respects to him. I owe him my life. I just wanted to give that back.
On that day I cried. I lied to myself. I fantasized our relationship before we drifted.
I made a character that seemed like him.
His soothing, honey-like voice. His breathy gasps, as I recounted our first date. His beautiful laugh and his lovely eye-smile when I retold his same stupid puns to other people.
And his soft gaze, and those deep black eyes. And his messy mop of black hair that lay on his hair. And his warm, wet lips.
I knew I reached insanity but that’s what it is. A lie. A fantasy.
A denial.
I love you.
