I think I might have just lost the man I love. I got to know him four years ago. at that time I was in a pretty bad place and it was honestly my own fault. the first words that ever came out of his mouth made me laugh that type of laugh that makes your stomach ache but leaves you smiling for what seems like forever. in as little as no time I began to get those butterflies that everyone craves. just seeing him across the hall would light up my day and seeing his name pop up on my phone made my stomach feel like an overcrowded lepidoptera. he had just moved to the city in which I resided and there was a lot of mess he left back home…primarily relationships. I got to realize that he was a player, but for the first time that didn’t phase me, I stayed. we talked every day and got to know one another pretty well and with every passing conversation, i fell deeper and deeper into a well of feelings and desperation. it wasn’t that I couldn’t tell him, but really I didn’t know how. after that first year he moved to another city close by but one that wasn’t close enough. we still talked daily and I became his living diary. never had I had so much trust in a person or have it returned to have deep and private conversations. unfortunately, my worst thoughts had come true. he found someone he really loved, but she didn’t love him. this girl began dating another guy while still depending on the other. however, they became best friends and I was stuck as background noise and a hidden diary. but I stayed. later on that year he met someone else but she played him too. he devoted himself to these two girls while I was devoted to him. after that second year was over, I had an opportunity in the same city he had moved to. I jumped at it because it was a good offer and he would be there. about a week before I transferred he told me he was moving to another city even farther than what was once our hometown. I felt stupid for making a decision that still kept me at a distance from him and also from what I grew up knowing. And so began year three. he said he was done wit the girls from the past and that all they brought him was trouble. I was happy for him and proud that he was moving on. of course like anything it was hard for him to move on, every now and then episodes of depression would hit and he would go on and on about how much he missed them and regretted his decision, but I was there to clean it up. I was his shoulder to cry on. early on in the third year, i met a lot of new people and many new males. one began to fancy me and I started paying attention. I felt it was time to try and move on. I know how I sound saying this but I used the new man to try and forget my feelings for the other one. it didn’t go very well. I soon learned that this new man was the opposite of me and I couldn’t stand being with him. so two months later I broke the news to new man. with him out of the picture, (the first) he and I became closer. he began to say how grateful he was for me and how he couldn’t imagine what he’d do without me. two months later in February (worst month if I’m being honest), new man professed his love to me in front of about 50 of our shared peers and promptly asked me as his date to a big party. call me spineless but I grimaced and said yes (now that we have multiple males in this story the first introduced to you I will refer to as S and the one just mentioned as J). S and I joked about how I was going on this date with the guy I could no longer stand and we poked fun and his cringy, cheesy gestures. anyway, the date happened and I looked cruel trying to dodge my date. after what seemed like a lifetime the party ended and I went home to fill in S and talk until the rest of the night was over. as expected J and I parted ways and I lived my life while receiving the occasional “how have you been?” text from J. nearing summer there was another party in which many of my newfound friends were going to attend…minus J. some pretty interesting stuff goes on when you’re sober and watch the mess that is drunks. that night I babysat an intoxicated friend who just so happened to be male and I guy I knew shoved his tongue down my throat…it was a good turnout. that night I washed my mouth and forgot about it. And so ended year two. I was back to all-nighters with S and watching grays anatomy until my eyes burned. our relationship grew and he began to say everything I dreamed he would. year three started out pretty well, but like anything it kind of went downhill. A loved one of mine was hospitalized and on one of the nights I stayed J called me and asked how I was and how my family member was. it was a sweet gesture and I thanked him for it. the day after that my loved one went into an emergency surgery. S wouldn’t answer. I called J. He rehashed old feelings and brought up what had happened at the summer party. I told him it was no big deal but he answered that he had already taken care of it and talked to the guy. something seemed different about J. I don’t know if I was just sensitive or what really but I began to get along with him again. seeing him every day wasn’t a problem and we began to hang out more. you must understand now that S has always been very open with me and never held any info back. after I returned back from taking care of my loved one S and I was talking and he apologized for not answering. it was because he was at a party and he saw a girl he knew from before we met and how at that party he almost (I’m sorry there is no other way to put this) fucked her but the girl’s boyfriend walked in. I was crushed. I thought he had changed for the better and that was getting somewhere. I was upset with him but it also felt like it wasn’t my place to be, I mean it’s not like we were dating or either of us had told each other we loved one another. it still had its effect. meanwhile, the “new and improved” J and I got closer and we went out a few times did what we did. I never told S though, it didn’t feel right to. I didn’t want to make him feel the way he made me feel for 2-3 years. then what I can only describe as out of the blue, S said the three words I longed to hear for three long years. there was no hesitation in my response I nearly shouted that I loved him too. I forgot about J, S was my priority as always. from here on out you’re going to dislike me very deeply. I didn’t do what I should have, I didn’t break up with J. the night before i was going to, S and i had a conversation about past relationships and he went into one of his episodes and it seemed like nothing had changed and he told me that earlier that day he and one of the girls got together. I lost the trust i had, the trust that told me that S and i were matched. the next morning, J and I met to talk and I was going to break the news, but then he told me he loved me and that i was the reason fro him to be working so hard and all these things that make it so much more difficult to break up with someone…spineless yet again. I lied to both of them. I told J I loved him too and I’ve kept up a relationship with until now all while spending night after night after night telling S how much i love him and get those butterflies everytime I’d hear he loved me too. he changed for me. he cut ties with all those girls and rejected hi player ways to focus on me. we spent hours fantasizing about a future together and saying words that were made for one another. I never doubted or regretted S but i lied to him. I kept J a secret and i kept up the image of who i was while i was with J. S didn’t know a fake me no, no, no, he knew me like the back of his hand, or at least he thought. I was in a completely different relationship and that changes a person, but i was always the same to S. He didn’t know the dirty and shady spots i had acquired with J. I could never tell S what those unknown areas were, i knew from experience ho badly it would hurt him. And with J I acted like a devoted girlfriend and i said i was happy even though i hated the way our relationship has turned out yet again and that my “I love you’s” are meant for someone else. The truth always comes out. Two days ago I let it slip while talking to S that i had done things with other guys while trying to prove a point. S took it farther and started to ask me about what I was talking about. He didn’t expect to hear a whole side of the person he loved that he had never heard of before. I explained my reasoning behind covering it up and how i wasn’t going to let so many years go to waste. But he was speechless and he didn’t recognize me and then all i could do was sit there while the sun came up and pray that i didn’t lose him. J and I have been having problems, fighting about the same bs all the time, waiting for it to get resolved after he comes home drunk to tell me the words that drive the dagger deeper into my chest. why don’t I leave? because I’m a c o w a r d and I’m s e l f i s h i don’t want to leave and see something/someone goes to s*** because of me. But guess what? I failed miserably. I’m in a relationship that feels like a burden and I’m losing, if not lose, the man I have loved and continue to love. not too long ago I dropped whatever pride and cowardice i held and i begged S to talk to me. To tell me anything. Never have I read anything with less sugar coating… He really laid it all out there. His first sentence was that he couldn’t think straight and that he was trying to convince himself that he still loved me after knowing I’ve been lying and hiding stuff from him for so long. He said how he fell in love with who he thought was me. I fucked up. I didn’t know what to tell him. everything I did felt like it wasn’t enough. I thought i was protecting him and preserving our chances of being together, but i did the opposite…now I’m part of the club that’s hurt S…and is the ring leader. I had him. He was mine. But for being a spineless b**** I kept two relationships. it’s funny…I thought i was holding everyone together but I’ve broken the best thing I’ve ever had and I’m about to tear apart a man who doesn’t deserve it.