I was born with a brittle bone disorder. Most of my school days were spent in the hospital. I never got to go out and make friends. I always envisioned that I would make friends once I reach college, and you have them for life. The concept of “best friends” was very near to me.
I saw my parent making out a couple of times. It kinda scared me at first, then I realized what they are doing. I was some fourteen then. At nights, while sleeping besides my sister I used to have her hand move over my belly or touch me at some other places. I do not know why I did that.
I started m***********. I did not know the term till I was nineteen. So I conjured a self-made term for it, and used to wonder what that white jelly like fluid coming out of my v***** is. I used to sweat a lot after doing it. And realized, i love doing it.
I got my periods when I was sixteen. My breasts started growing. Once while playing with a kid, I made him touch my breast, I felt wonderful.
When I was fourteen, I lied to my school friends that I like a guy in my area, and he likes me too. I conjured stories about us. I told my school pals of how I like him, how I enjoy being with him, how I might not shrink back if we make out. All lies. White lies.
Somewhere at that time, an uncle in my building tried to molest me. I had gone to his place in the noon, he started rubbing his underwear-less boxers on me. Started asking me to kiss, I ran away. I still think of him, and wonder why did not I slap him.
After two years, while in college, I lied to my good friend about having a boy friend in school. I told her how we were like awesome friends, and people were jealous of our relationship. I told her another lie of there being another awesome guy who likes me. Slowly, I faded my school friend out of the picture, since he was like my brother. And it was difficult to talk about him like that. So, I started lying about this other awesome guy.
Meanwhile, I also started watching p***. I loved to m*********, used to do in the bathroom, or anytime I could be alone.
When I was sixteen, this same friend of mine and me had come pretty close. Emotionally I mean. I kept on making stories about this awesome guy who likes me. I told that he was leaving country for further studies so that she doesn’t ask me to meet him. I continued the saga. Finally, I told her I told him no cos he is too good for me.
too good? Well, I am four feet nine inches tall. Overweight, not fat. And I walk with a slight limp due to my bone disorder. I wear specs, and definitely I do not have the body or hair to die for. So, I was not s***. And I knew it. Was this the reason why I always lied???
After a few months, she and me were studying in her room. Our legs just touched, and I knew I want more. Lesbian s** always provoked me more.
But how could I convenience tis friend of my feelings. I mimicked a guys voice and talked to my friend. Told her, as him, so as to how wonderful a person I am. They both got close over the phone, tht would mean me and her. She was foolish enough to think me as him, each time on the phone. He started talking dirty over the phone with her. That was me. And then he asked her to kiss me and see. She was like , what…are you crazy. And then he was like, it feels awesome you should try.
So, we kissed. in a theatre. She started carressing my legs, my cheek , and finally it happened. We both loved it. We were stupid teenagers, just enjoying the fun physical part of life.
Then for the next movie, I groped her b****. She didnt seem to mind. i went further, and massaged them. She rather enjoyed it.
We met alone in her room , after a few days.
I was not sure whether things would go further. But she pounced on me.
We kissed like crazy, sucked out the hell of each other. Yet the p****** remained. Next time , however, they fell off. I saw pubic hair on someone else’s body for the first time.
We started meeting each other regularly, and enjoying s**. Yes, we did try the finger penetration, it was super fun.
All this while, the me who acted like him, remained in her life. She never questioned the voice, and was sure it is some him. Before i could relize, she was falling in love with him. Mostly, I wanted her to. Cos I was doing and talking everything that she wanted in a guy.
I made p******** with her. I made her see all the p***. She loved it. She craved for him, more than me.
Then i joined a degree college. I lied there too about having a boyfriend.
I think it was my small stature and my average looks that always made me realzie I will never have a guy. I never wanted to have that feeling. I wanted to show the world that I too have a guy.
i used to lie about being on phone with him for hours, when it was just my she friend.
All those love bites that she gave me, were lied as his love bites.
I know, I s***.
I made the guy I mimicked die. So that she can get over him. soon.
Then I made him appear as a soul who enters my body. Yes, my friend accepted that. She asked me questions about the coversations they had, and I knew everyting cos ti was me.
She made love to me like crazy, cos she thought I was the guy she loved.
She cried for me. She really begged me to come back. I felt stupid and crazy for doing this to her.
Then, i went abroad for further studies.
I thought distance will help me.
But even there, I started new friends, saying I have a boy friend back home.
After a few months, I lied that we have broken off over the phone.
Studies and stuff occupied me. I probably did not lie about having boy friends for a while.
I tried making real ones for a change.
All failed attempts.
Guys can have a short, petite, limping girl as a friend, not as a girl friend.
It s****. When kids and people stare at a short limping girl walking on the road, like she is a monster.
I always felt the need to show people, I am liked and loved for the type of person I am, do hell with looks.
There are people who are ready to see beyond looks.
I am a good girl at heart. No b****. Believe me.
After a few years, things with the her friend are off. She is married, and has a kid. We do not talk about our s** life since we think it was a stupid teenager mistake. She has almost forgotten “the” him too.
After coming back to my country post stuides, I joined a workplace. Lied about having a boy friend abroad to all my colleagues.
After a few months, told it is off since long distance does not work.
I joined another workplace, told them am almost single since the guys whom I am going around with, i would never marry them. My family would not approve.
Till date, this is how far I have reached.

I have lied like crazy.
May be its my physical problems, that have always made me feel a bit shy and timid in front of others, and have tried covering it up by saying, I have a boyfriend, so I gotta be cool too.

I still watch p*** and m*********. But I am ready to get married and settle down. I do want a stable life, with one guy.
But these lies haunt me back.

Am I too bad a person? Do I deserve hell?
Am I a s** maniac? DO I need therapy??
I feel like I am gonna be punished severly for so many lies. I do not why did I.

Forgive me, someone, will you? DO I deserve to?