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Hey there.

I think I need to tell if off my soul, how fucked up people can be and how some decisions or actions can get stuck in your brain for life.

Right now I’m in a quite good position in my job, married for two years and I’m a proud father of my 1 year old son!

There is one thing that literally could destroy my life entirely, at least that’s the fear I still have in my mind.

Well, how to say, I was never one of the “cool kids”. Born in the late 80s i’ve spent most of the teenie time online, playing counterstrike and WoW, chatting online with strangers and stuff like that. If you know some german words, “Kellerkind” would have been the perfect description.

But there was another thing, I often helped my uncle at their dairy farm (I got my first PC from him back then, so we were somewhat close and I liked to help a lot).

One thing lead to another, me, an always h**** little idiot, always looking for p***, of course no ‘girlfriend’ in sight, chatting whole nights on IRC, looking for p0rn-Bots to download from, looking at one clip stranger than the other, suddenly saw a bad quality video where a man was doing a cow. Just a few seconds long but it kicked me so damn hard in the brain, like, damn sick, but also like “something” that could be possible.

I mean, who the heck would get that low to use an animal for this? But an animal probably wouldn’t care, at least it would be by far easier than to get a girl.

That’s the confession, I really wanted to do it no matter what, the real thing, not m***********. I stole a box of condoms from the store, waited for an opportunity when my uncle wasn’t in the barn and did what I imagined for so long, even though I often imagined to be in a beautiful girl.

It happened a lot, for about 3 years, until I started my apprenticeship and moved out from my parents house.

Things changed drastically, I got friends, had new hobbies, got very adicted to pen and paper and even got my degree. I blocked out what I did as good as possible, but sometimes there were theses thoughts:

“man, you know you f* cows. You did what usually only unintelligent people would do, like an ugly farmer with no wife and so on”

I was always very distressed when I thought about it. Years passed, I finally got my first girlfriend and the first time was a disaster. I suddenly had the smell of the barn in my nose, flashbacks from back then and had problems getting hard for some time. The relationship lastet for about half a year, me being heartbroken, not able to explain anything.

More years have been passed until I met my future wife (also a D&D nerd) and things changed again. She really is the perfect match, cool and perfect in every way and I’m literally happyer than ever before, but I sometimes still do have the smell of the barn in my nose when we are doing it.

I’m not interested in animals in any way, I don’t even think I was back then! It was like, don’t know how to explain, imagine like crying inside all the time because of the strong urge to feel it for “real”. And then there were females all around me who weren’t at all interested in what I was doing behind them. Luckily the urges disappeared almost completely when I was training and studying. Also there is absolutely no urge to have s** except with my wife, but it still feels like a sword above my head. No one knows about it, I never got caught and I never talked to anyone about this.

Yes, I could talk to a specialist, but I don’t know if I really want to. In general everything is perfect and I guess everyone has his own demons to deal with.

Thank you for reading.

New Confession

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I sold my Virginity when I was 14 to an old pervert guy, friend of the family type… He used to watch me all the time at the pool and in the yard son bathing.

One day I was complaining to him I had no money and wanted to buy some computer and clothes… he asked me if I had a BF yet, I said no put had did some stuff with a few guys. He asked me if I had gone all the way, I said no I am still a virgin.

He offered me the cash I needed if he could be my first, and it would just be between us, nobody would know. I told him I would think about it… after a week I asked him where we would do it, how long it would last, and was it going to hurt, would he use a condom…

He said he could rent a motel room outside of town, and we would do it there. He promised to be gentle and slow so that it would not hurt too much. He said no condom because he wanted both of us to feel everything that was happening. So I agreed to sell him my virginity one time and 1st time to do it, for $1,500 cash paid at the motel room.

On the day we agreed, He got the room, then picked me up during the daytime and we went to the motel and went inside. There was lingerie and a short nightie laying on the bed and he asked me to shower and wear these things. I did as he asked and came out and he hugged me and laid me on the bed.

He got undressed, and it was the first time other than p*** I saw a real one. It was pretty big and the tip was large and round too. He showed me the lube he brought and said he would use it, to make it more comfortable. He asked me to put some on my hands and rub his thing and make it all slippery. The more I rubbed it, the bigger it seemed to get.

He kissed me and touched me all over, and finally ended up between my legs and licking and kissing my private area. It felt pretty good and I got really excited and wet. He got on top of me and rubbed the tip of his thing on my v#gina, which felt nice, then he started pushing it inside which hurt a little, but he added more lube and that helped a lot. Once he was all the way in, it felt a lot better and he started riding me or pumping and thrusting his thing inside of me.

He seemed really excited, an stopped suddenly and took it out. He laid next to me and I asked of it was over, and he said no he wants it to last so he is taking a break. After a few minutes t=he told me to get on top of him and put it inside. So I say on his big thing and pushed it inside, he held my hips and lifted me up and down on his big thing. This felt even better than him being on top and I took over moving up and down on his big d***. I liked it, it made me feel really good. Suddenly he stopped me and lifted me off and said need another break….

Next he had me kneel on the bed on all fours, I saw this on a p**** and knew he was going to do me d**********. He got behind me and played around rubbing in on my Ahole, but then he slid it deep inside my Vag… it seemed like he was huge really filled me up and his balls were slapping by hole area and making noise… he held my hips an thrust even deeper, and I heard him say he was going to c#m…. I could actually feel him shooting streams on it inside of me, filling me until it was running down my thighs.

We collapsed on the bed with him still inside of me. I could feel him getting smaller and shrinking inside of me…. I feel guilty because I sold my body for $1,500 and he gave me $200 extra…. but now I feel like that was wrong and or too cheap… and I feel bad I did that. He has asked me to do it again, I just say no thanks…