Hey there.

I think I need to tell if off my soul, how fucked up people can be and how some decisions or actions can get stuck in your brain for life.

Right now I’m in a quite good position in my job, married for two years and I’m a proud father of my 1 year old son!

There is one thing that literally could destroy my life entirely, at least that’s the fear I still have in my mind.

Well, how to say, I was never one of the “cool kids”. Born in the late 80s i’ve spent most of the teenie time online, playing counterstrike and WoW, chatting online with strangers and stuff like that. If you know some german words, “Kellerkind” would have been the perfect description.

But there was another thing, I often helped my uncle at their dairy farm (I got my first PC from him back then, so we were somewhat close and I liked to help a lot).

One thing lead to another, me, an always h**** little idiot, always looking for p***, of course no ‘girlfriend’ in sight, chatting whole nights on IRC, looking for p0rn-Bots to download from, looking at one clip stranger than the other, suddenly saw a bad quality video where a man was doing a cow. Just a few seconds long but it kicked me so damn hard in the brain, like, damn sick, but also like “something” that could be possible.

I mean, who the heck would get that low to use an animal for this? But an animal probably wouldn’t care, at least it would be by far easier than to get a girl.

That’s the confession, I really wanted to do it no matter what, the real thing, not m***********. I stole a box of condoms from the store, waited for an opportunity when my uncle wasn’t in the barn and did what I imagined for so long, even though I often imagined to be in a beautiful girl.

It happened a lot, for about 3 years, until I started my apprenticeship and moved out from my parents house.

Things changed drastically, I got friends, had new hobbies, got very adicted to pen and paper and even got my degree. I blocked out what I did as good as possible, but sometimes there were theses thoughts:

“man, you know you f* cows. You did what usually only unintelligent people would do, like an ugly farmer with no wife and so on”

I was always very distressed when I thought about it. Years passed, I finally got my first girlfriend and the first time was a disaster. I suddenly had the smell of the barn in my nose, flashbacks from back then and had problems getting hard for some time. The relationship lastet for about half a year, me being heartbroken, not able to explain anything.

More years have been passed until I met my future wife (also a D&D nerd) and things changed again. She really is the perfect match, cool and perfect in every way and I’m literally happyer than ever before, but I sometimes still do have the smell of the barn in my nose when we are doing it.

I’m not interested in animals in any way, I don’t even think I was back then! It was like, don’t know how to explain, imagine like crying inside all the time because of the strong urge to feel it for “real”. And then there were females all around me who weren’t at all interested in what I was doing behind them. Luckily the urges disappeared almost completely when I was training and studying. Also there is absolutely no urge to have s** except with my wife, but it still feels like a sword above my head. No one knows about it, I never got caught and I never talked to anyone about this.

Yes, I could talk to a specialist, but I don’t know if I really want to. In general everything is perfect and I guess everyone has his own demons to deal with.

Thank you for reading.