For as long as I can remember, I’ve been a really s***** person. I’m not sure if I can label myself as hypersexual, but it’s nearly borderline. This has effected multiple people in my life.

My ex, who before meeting me didn’t know even the simplest “things”, began to m********* daily after letting me influence him while we were together. I’m not sure how he’s doing as I speak, but we’re still in contact as friends. I pray he’s overcome those urges and wasn’t effected too badly by what I subconsciously pushed onto him.

My current best friend came to me about a personal problem he’s had, and we assume that it’s primarily because of my s***** behavior towards him. I treated him like a borderline fuckbuddy instead of my best friend, and it sickens me to think I’ve effected him in such a way that he feels even the slightest bit of disgusted with himself for what he came to me for.

I wanna be able to say I don’t know why I’m like this, but deep down I do. I’ve experienced cocsa when I was younger. Multiple times. I’ve initiated it, and had it done to me. In the church with another kid my age years ago, and by my younger brother multiple times. I can barely remember anything, or if I’d gotten touched any other way, shape, or form. I hate myself for it.

It’s shaped my humor, the way I think, the way I act. It isn’t major, I can deal with it and live my life at least somewhat normally, but I can never forget what I not only did, but also somewhat consented to as a child. I wish to forget so bad, but everytime someone jokingly asks, “Why are you so s***** all the time?”, it makes me feel horrible. I hate being a bad influence, and especially when I paint myself to be this damn near picture perfect person that can acknowledge all their mistakes.

My best friend deserves better. I’ve gotten too comfortable, and the fact that a temporary boundary had to be set in the first place makes me feel so, so bad.

I wish I wasn’t so s*****.