I’m just writing here to see if it helps, this is probably gonna be long. I’m probably not a perfect person so don’t expect a ‘perfect ol’ me.’ I have done stupid stuff and I’m just writing about my thoughts.

I can’t do this. I am so tired. I don’t to die but I don’t even honestly understand how to live. I want to be hugged and held, or have someone run through fingers through my hair just to know someone’s out there who cares. I feel like my mom is disappointed in me, but I have no proof. My dad is a drunk. It’s not abusive it just hurts to watch him slowly kill himself. And I can’t stand any of my friends. I hate all of them basically. I tried hanging myself but it didn’t even do anything. I still feel angry and upset. And I think about my mom, dad, or any other family member/friend being sad that I died. So I get off the noose and I just get over it. I can be happy and enjoy life, but it doesn’t weigh out the feeling of dread. I feel guilty about being a bad friend. And I had a ‘boyfriend’ and a ‘girlfriend’ which honestly we all are too young (we are the same age) to count this as more than some cringe relationship that lasted a month. I hated my now ex ‘boyfriend.’ He was a whiny b****. Begged and begged for some stupid ugly stress ball thing for 20 minutes. And he used to send me art that I knew wasn’t drawn by him but said he did it, I never said anything.

And my other friend who is a hypocrite. We never dated nor do I want to anymore, but she always acted all jokingly flirty with me. And I did too. She’s smacked my b*** once, and I even asked her if it’s cool if I do it to her, she said yeah. So I did it twice when we were joking around. Later that night I admitted to wanting to break up with my ‘girlfriend.’ And we talked about it. We they dated in the past. And broke up. But still friends and all. Well, I am also a bit of a hypocrite here and I’m not proud of this. But that friend I was talking to admitted she wanted to break up with that girl, and told me not to tell her. And I didn’t for a day before the next day doing it. It felt better being honest. The girl expected it and they were cool. But later I wanted to breakup and begged her not to tell her. But before all that (more specifically, after my ex and my friend broke up) that girl and I went out for a mouth before I broke up with her, just wanting to be friends. After awhile, few weeks I think, I got kicked from the friend group (god that sounds so white) by the girl I broke up with telling me. She was nice about it. But it hurt. I cried and felt guilty for awhile. And I still do. I’m cool with her again after a week I guess. But I found out the reason was because I guess I made them uncomfortable with my jokes. My main humor or jokes is lots of s** jokes but only towards my partners if I had them at the time and they were comfortable with it, always sarcastic or not serious since I’m not even in highschool. And my other friend (the one I admitted to wanting to break up with my ex girlfriend) is always has s** jokes as well and even worse than mine. So it felt unfair, more like getting rid of me cause they just didn’t like me anymore and not over the jokes. I don’t know. It just felt weird. And it sucked. I am cool with my ex and friend now but I still feel guilty. It’s gnawing at me. They forgive me (I think, I don’t know) but I don’t forgive myself. And I think I need to fix this. But I don’t know how.