i am absolutely obsessed with my (ex)boyfriends (ex)best friend.
i started dating him in july 2021. he introduced me to his highschool best friend in late 2021. they were 18. i was 17.
the first night, he made a flirty comment when my boyfriend was out of the room.
i thought he was weird. i told my boyfriend about it after his friend left, but we didn’t bring it up for a while and he just doubted it… but my boyfriend apparently had a secret conversation with him about it, and his friend denied making the comment.
my bf believed that.
but ever since that night, i keep disliking his friend, and being obsessed with him for different lengths of time.
there were a few more weird flirtatious incidents. several.
but he ended up getting his own gf mid 2022… we started to hang out as four all the time. every day. all day. being young adults with new freedom after graduation days.
he slowly stopped flirting.
but i couldnt stop myself from gazing into his blue eyes.
late 2022, we four got into a disagreement about things. stupid things. my boyfriend took it as a chance to confront me about the energy between me and his friend.
we never did anything. we never have. i know and accept we never will.
but i cant help but gaze into his blue eyes.
i admitted to my bf i only had a physical attraction to his friend in the past. that i sort of “dislike him now…” and told my boyfriend of only three instances where his friend had flirted or made odd comments to me. that i didnt like it.
it became the drama of the month. it spiraled, and they found out. the man i secretly wanted so badly apologized in tears after a yelling match between us four, thinking i disapproved of it.
but i lied.
i wanted more of him.
i want to know more about him.
i did like it when he got into my personal space, and i felt the so distant warmth of his body while i leaned against that dingey wall. i liked that i felt his curls against my bangs as our heads only slightly touched. the way his cologne wafted over me… and then he started scrolling through my Instagram feed while my phone was still and my hand and so close to my body. i lied how i felt about that.
i liked when he made those comments with that look in his eye. with that smile. with the bouncing knee from anxiety, as he asked these slightly invasive questions.
i liked that he was so inexperienced. that he so obviously turned red and flustered when he did these things.
i lied. i liked when he asked me about my *bedroom hobby* interests so upfront, even though i got tongue tied and changed the subject.
i even sometimes liked how he talked to me, despite denying it this whole time…
and i even like all the small things he did around me that i’ll never tell you.
i liked all of those things. i liked it all, even though it felt like he never wanted me in his car some days. i liked it even though i knew or felt deep down that he could never admire me like i admire him. or that he never did to begin with.
ever since we stopped contact and being friends with them fully in late 2023… blocking each other over this petty drama. i still think of him, dream of him, and fantasize about having him… without wanting or trying to. i cant help these thoughts. im just as destroyed as you are, or would be if you knew….
i feel insane.
i still ache for him. and say his name in my head. i still think about those blue eyes. i still see them in my dreams. i think about that time he let me touch his hair, and it was so soft. i think about how many times we brushed against each other, and how warm and soft his skin is. i think about his favorite games and hobbies. and the little things about him.
i still think about things this way for you too…
but i also still think about what it would be like if it was him instead.
i wish i could have you both for myself.
but its all a fantasy.
and i feel guilty every day for that.
i feel guilty for having these feelings.
i feel guilty for lying to everyone for so long.
my lesson has been learned and i hate it. its unfair and it hurts.
