My mother was fucked up and a control freak, insanely jealous and possessive of me as her son. To try to keep me as a possession and devoted/only hers, she molested me by introducing me to s** when i was 8 and it continued until i was 22. Of course immature me liked it at the time but as time passed it sickened me and i was reluctant but still participated. It fucked me up and every relationship i managed to have. Divorce and years of therapy later at age 45 i was mostly ok. But then one thanksgiving as she was in the kitchen cooking i had the sickest impulse ever. I came up behind her hugged her and statted groping her as i ground my hips against her a**. She said no and asked me to stop but i could not srop myself even as disgusting as i felt. I ended up lifting her skirt yanking her p****** down and bent her forward over the kitchen counter and fucked her from behind. She did not resist but did not participate. I went home that night and threw up repeatedly because i had raped my mother. Nothing excused it and it made me worse than she had been.
We did not talk for 3 days after that. I could not bear to with what i had done. She did not try to contact me. But the next monday morning she left me a voice mail asking me to come by while my father was gone. I did not want to go but i owed it to her to let her say what she wanted without the shame of my father there so i was at least grateful for that small blessing from her.
I braced myself and went. Had to stop to vomit in a parking lot twice on the way. Called out to her as i came in. She answered and i followed the sound of her voice. She was waiting n*** in the bed in one of their guest bedrooms. Not saying a word just staring at me. I wa shaking and nervous as i undressed and lay down with her. We fucked for hours but face to face every moment. Zero words spoken. We never talked about it but wheenever my father would be gone she would tell me when to come over. It went on for the next 13 years, she died when I was 58 (nearly three years ago). Been in therapy non stop since. Can barely make it a day without missing her with desire and heartache. I have not been able to connect with anyone since. I get it, it is my own fault for f****** myself up and undoing the early life emotional recovery when it was her instigating it, but i have permanently fucked myself up by r***** her then actively being with her for the last years of her life. I am so lonely but cannot see past the loss.
