e never told anyone this before. (but if i keep hiding it im just gonna explode).. when i was 8 i had an attraction to animals. i stumbled upon some p********** of it and ever since then it completely consumed my life. and, well, as a curious child 8 yr old kid i wanted to know how it felt. so i attempted to have i********** with the family dog…thank god it did not work. he wasn’t interested at all.

a few days after this i looked up if it was legal and animals could consent, the answer was a resounding no. i was disgusted and ashamed but the attraction stayed there. basically for most of my life i shut myself inside my room and did not have a lot of interaction with my parent. this was because my parents were undergoing depression/anxiety , so they could not spend as much time with me and thus it affected me mentally as well.

i just made up my own worlds in my head, drowning in p*** basically. as well as being physically, verbally bullied i was even more disconnected from reality. i didnt take care of my own body. i didnt shower , wash my hair, brush my teeth, sometimes i skipped eating. i had friends… good friends? debatable.

but in high school i started to change. that was because i have been professionally diagnosed with anxiety, depression. my parents did not like the idea of me having a mental disorder so it took me a while to convince them to get me a psychiatrist. finally i got medicated , my life got better. i started to talk with my parents more, went out after a long while, take care of my body.

i realized why i was like that in the first place. why i had an attraction to animals. it was because i idealized it. like i said, i was cut off from the real world and had no knowledge of anything , really… but once i started to have more friendly interactions with animals my attraction began to fade. i never was actually attracted to animals because i didnt know anything about them.. i was just fantasizing it inside my head, so when reality hit me.. it just went away.

so yeah im good now. got a good relationship with my parents n dog. i probably wont tell anyone close to me irl ever about this. im afraid they will see me like a monster. afraid they wont understand. afraid they wont trust me anymore. afraid they think im still the same as i was before. i wish there were more venting spaces for people with unorthodox, questionably ethical fetishes. obviously people who have assaulted someone is not ok.

but people like us who have not acted on it, we dont really have a choice a lot of the time. most of us are like this cause of trauma or unfortunate neuroscience. in my case i suppose its a bit of both. i understand why though its not talked about. because we can trigger the victims who have undergone that.. but we are also victims who developed a different form of coping to the trauma.

thank u for reading. u dont have to agree with me. i just feel good getting this off my chest.