• 1 year ago
  • 50 Views

I feel guilty for where I am in my life. I have no motivation or goals really and I’m barely employed. I wonder if I wasn’t raped, abused physically and mentally or constantly put down by my mother maybe I would have become a different person. I live with constant fear of men and have panic attacks regularly. Truth be told I just feel like I’m floating as I really did not think I’d be alive this long. I’m not suicidal anymore, thankfully but I’m just very tired of this constant cycle. I am receiving help now and do have appointments with my therapist and psychologist for a mental evaluation to see if I have PTSD and BPD. But will that really help ? At most I’ll be put on medication that I’ll have to take for the rest of my life and then I’ll be expected to act like a normal member of society, and that’s not even taking into consideration my other health issues with my knee and spine. Truth be told in my culture mental health isn’t taken seriously at all and neither is physical health unless you’re deemed unable to look after yourself. My problem is I’m expected to go to university, get a degree, get a good job, find a husband and have kids. I’m terrified of men due to my trauma of being raped so I don’t know how that’s going to work and I don’t want kids, as I fear that I’d just abuse them how my mother abused me. So alas I am stuck.

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