Tw // s**, r*** and death

I really want a c*** in me right now. I want to go down, crying and screaming with a gun up to my head. I want the gun to be shoved into my mouth as my p**** and a****** get ravaged. I want their finger to stay on the trigger, and if it gets pulled while they’re f****** me, oh well.
I honestly don’t care what happens to me during that time, as long as they c** in me and blow my brains out after. Spank me, choke me, cut me, gape my virgin holes open and f*** me with a gun.
I only feel this way during very specific times, and after I go on with my life. In fact, during the normal times of my life, I am repulsed by anything s*****. When I’m h****, I just want it all done to me.
I think I might be sick. Fucked up in the head. I haven’t told anyone. I don’t want this to really happen, but fantasizing about it gets me so wet, and during those times it feels like I really do want it.
If anyone is reading this, should I seek mental help? I don’t know if it’s really an issue since it doesn’t happen the majority of the time.