• 2 weeks ago

I hate my father.
I had to spend one night with him after almost a full week and a half of being free and it nearly broke me.
Just an hour ago, I spent ten minutes bent over the toilet, desperately trying to both vomit and not do so with every ounce of strength in me.
Now I’m this close to a sensory overload, and the feeling of having eaten food is making me feel awful and I’m still trying as hard as I can not to go back to hunching over the toilet because that is the line I refuse to cross.
I still feel weak.
For both having ended up there and for not having the balls to go through with it.
For having to explain for the umpteenth time that no, I can’t give my testimony in legal action against him because then he’d get violent. And I don’t think my sister or I would be okay.
For sitting there, doing nothing, while he treated the waiters and customers around him like shit, in the restaurant he really couldn’t afford to be in.
For sitting in the shower and crying, not shedding any tears, wasting water instead of getting clean.
For not explaining any of this to my mother.
For telling my mother anything about him, because it just makes her sad and guilty and that makes me feel awful.
For having believed the lies he told us for years, until I knew better, until I realised he COULD lie, until I realised that it was wrong when he blamed the divorce on us, when he called me his therapist, when he openly told us he’d kill himself if we ever tried to stop visiting him.
For making this post, here, instead of trying to actually do something.
I just feel Bad. As a whole.
Sorry for wasting your time.