As i approached 17 thanks to the ceaseless loving support of my mother, my compulsive m*********** addiction was well sorted and a thing of the past. There was no physical intimate contact, and a mix of either or both of us clothed to partly to fully n***. She never did more than sometimes hold me during or after. A couple of times a week with a rare “gift” of her proactively offering me some “time with mom”. She encouraged me to ask girls out but for fear of me being inappropriate with them had a few rules. She always wanted to meet them. Always put me through a session before the date, as well as after, while drawing out of me whether I had been at risk of behaving obscenely with them. In the many years since, after my mother’s death, therapists have posed the question of whether she did these things to jealously or possessively groom me to eventually replace my ling dead father when I was old enough to be seen as a partner rather than a son. I understand that and it may have beem the case for all it matters. I tend to think that if it were the case, then she would have engaged with me in far more obscene ways and far earlier. Especially when her good natured management of my ‘little problem as she always put it was only started when I was approaching serious consequences of eacalating behavior. I also think she would not have risked what actually happened shortly after I turned 17, when I effectively raped her for the first time and many many times after that. It just does not make sense to me that she would have allowed that to ve a point that eventually happened, nor do i think that once it started happening and continued, that she would have had the same demoralized tearful passive response to every time I did so. Finally, the specifics of how the effective r***** took place were a clear and separate path of events that showed it was far more likely that she and I both strongly overestimated the degree of realsitic functional control that either of us had, even though the very safely controlled and supervised m*********** sessions she allowed me seemed so safe and secure up until that day.
