Things stabilized for mother and i and my m*********** addiction got much less snd and least more safely managed. She was loving and understanding, despite how clearly she detached during the episodes. Yes she would tell me no. Yes she would still ice pack my g******* if I became too whiney when she said no. But it was stable snd i learned to be respectful of her rules and boundaries and privacy. And she became more understanding abd believing in me when I said she was my focus for it, because after the initial lesson of respecting versus objectifying women by her limited introduction of magazine p*** (all that was available at that time when I was 16), she put me through an attempted retraining of me by trying to distract me from fixation on her by remaining clothed and having me try to m********* to those magazines instead of her. With time she even began to build on the eye contact with me to trigger my e**********…besides always telling me to look her in the eye as that moment approached, and to maintain the eye contact during and after, she began to also tell me to do it for her. So it produced the opposite result. Whether she was clothed or whether she was letting me look at her bare body or even just breasts, without any physical interaction, it was not long before looking into her eyes was the only way I could even m********* successfully. At some point when she questioned me in detail about what things made mebfeel most comfortable or least shameful and guilty, I admitted to her that I could no longer successfully masturbaten without her, and that it was looking into her eyes or cradling or cuddling me that i most needed to be able to do it. She told me that it was still wrong that i was so fixated on her but at least it meant as she explained to me that i was capable of showing some restraint and respect for her as a woman if less so for my mother. She told me that i had begun to earn her respect. It felt like things were finally turning to the good.
