I need to confess this otherwise i will never live freely.
I’m 22 years old, live in the US. I’m a neet who spends 90% of his time completely isolated. Since the age of 12 and before, I’ve struggled with s***** deviancy. The first incident I can recall was when I was super young, prolly before I was ten, when I had apparently the notion s** is the ultimate form of showing your love for someone, so i tried to have “s**” (really just rolling around naked since I was just a kid and had no idea how to) with my sister who’s a year younger than me. The next incident that pops into my mind was catching my brother and his friend watching p*** on the family computer circa 2010- era, and they invited me to a circle jerk (they were like 12-15+) and being a curious kid I joined in. Then I bribed a friend of mine a later on (I’d say I was 11-12ish) with a video game to allow me to s*** him off, and we’d done mutual j******* sessions together, but he was obviously uncomfortable. This is what started my long line of problems. I learned that I could manipulate people into doing what I wanted. I even tried setting up a t******** between said friend and my sister because I knew they both had crushes on each other. Even jerked off in front of my sister and really grossed her out. Eventually we stopped hanging out, but it didn’t stop there. The next incident I can recall is me and my family going on a camping trip, and for some stupid reason stuck me, raging hormones 12 year old, in the same camper as my sister and her friend, and while my sister’s friend was asleep, I was awake and noticed she didn’t have any underwear on, so I basically touched her a little bit, not like full on molestation, again I was a kid just being curious at the time, no s***** gratification was sought. But it sowed the seeds. I would get a little too touchy feely and flirty with my sister’s friends and prolly creeped them out.
When I was 15 in 2014 I met a girl online who was 12 and we started dating and her parents were really clear no s***** stuff. You can prolly guess what happened. I convinced her to do things she normally wouldn’t do, and we got caught. Mostly strip teases and vids and stuff. I regret all of this stuff to this day, but this was the first time I lost a relationship because of it. This trend didn’t stop. I then, at 17, started an informal relationship with a too-young girl, can’t remember how young but too young. like 12-15ish. Like the previous one I managed to convince her to do things she normally wouldn’t do, but unlike the previous one she was also not a good person. Eventually I cut things off because she was way too toxic (literally screamed at me for not coddling her after a tornado storm despite the fact she was perfectly fine). I then dated a transgirl, my first real, genuine, nontoxic relationship. I confided in her about these things and she told me she wouldn’t let me do those things to her. Eventually we separated because we grew apart. I then fucked around a lot online, and when I hit 18 I was too h**** to f****** stop. I had been f****** around with a young guy, 15-16, real femmish, so we clicked. Nothing real sketchy aside from the age difference, he was 15-16, I was 18. It fucked me up though. I finally realize I had to stop.
Oh. Forgot to mention the animals. I’ve tried to s*** a dog’s d***, and lick their balls, and I’ve let female dogs clean my c*** and balls for me, even jerking off on their faces, trying to shove my c*** down their throat. Innocent creatures who have no idea what’s going on, prolly just reacting to the taste and smell of salty sweat. I had a lot of trouble putting that to paper. It hurts that I couldn’t stop and think for a f****** singular second that what I was doing was wrong because I felt like the pleasure was worth it. But it stops here. No more animals or underage folk, or vulnerable people, should be harmed.
The main reason I feel so much remorse is because I don’t want to ever be a r***** or p********. I have a niece who I love very much, and would quite literally die for. Sometimes I look at her and I get scared. What if I’m a predator? I’ve never, not once, felt any s***** attraction towards irl children. Loli is one thing, I can disassociate the age as long as they don’t play that up, but when I look at a child, I just get scared. What if I’m a predator? Does thinking that make me not a predator? I don’t know. I just know I never want to hurt my niece or anyone else ever again.