Trigger Warning: This confessions contains animal abuse, if you are sensitive towards this topic, please stop reading.

Okay this confession goes all the way back to the start of the summer of 1999. I just left school and my uncle found me a job working on a cattle stock market (this is in the UK). My job was simply to make sure the stalls and cattle stage remained clear of s***.

Cattle would be prepared in front of prospective clients and bids would be placed. This Holstein cow (black and white) came out named Buttercup and she was heavily pregnant on her third calf. Buttercup was massive and she struggled to walk, probably didn’t help that the poor cow was being prodded with a sharp stick.

Buttercup suddenly knelt down on her front two hooves and her chorioallantoic sac started to appear from her rear and then the unborn calf’s hooves push through. Buttercup continuously moo’ed during the traumatic event as the farmer who was inside the ring with her started beating her hard over the back in order to make her stand up.

The punters loved it, the scene resembled a roman amphitheatre. The farmer was like a gladiator entraining the masses.

I watched on as she moow’d begging for mercy, but the farmer didn’t care he continued to crack that whip and yell abuse in her face knowing her calf was on it’s way.

Buttercup’s pain was so great she fell down on all fours and rolled onto her side, which enraged the farmer even more. He started to crack the whip across the side of her belly as the calf head started to emerge.

Buttercup looked around still moowing in pain, begging for someone to help her. I learnt later she was having problems with the birth.

A man entered the ring to help, he started to gently pull away on the exposed front legs of calf until he managed to usher her into the world.

The farmer called one of his sons over and he dragged the shaking calf by it’s rear legs right passed her mother, whom tried to lick her and all the way out of sight into the back stalls.
The son asked me to wait with the calf until he returned, he had been gone awhile.

The calf had massive beautiful eyes and vibrate red fur just was a jersey cow cross, I named her Summer.

Summer was shaken up she lay her head over my knee looking for comfort. I managed to get the calf to her feet and cleaned up all the membrain off her thinking I was helping out.

She started to call for her mother and the mother started to bellow back for her. Once a cow can no longer stand she is called a downer, sealing her fate to be slaughtered and sold for cheap burger meat.

The calf was weak and hungry all I could do is allow her to suckle on my fingers, she needed her mothers milk, but she was so gentle and I was so helpless to help her.

I stayed with Summer while she called out for her mother, who had now been dragged off screaming and I heard the district sound for a bolt gun, Buttercup was dead.

I kept Summer calm and she started to walk around the stall, little did I know that calf’s born in a market place are calf’s born in hell. The farmer came in and told me to stand away he grabbed her by the scuff of her neck and rubbed the centre of head, between her eyes with a mallet.

Summer stared at the farmer licking his arm as he raised the mallet above his head. He brought the mallet down on her with some force.

Summer fall flat to the floor. Jolting and contorting. Her weak legs kicking out in all directions. The Farmer told me “once that sack of s*** dies, drag it out back and not let anyone see you do it”.

I stayed with Summer until the end, she bleed from her nose and mouth. I held her tightly until she stop moving I watched the light drain from her eyes. I wished I could have taken her home, but this is standard practice in the dairy industrial.

I quit my job weeks later and one night I stabbed all my old bosses tires and threw brake fluid all down his sport Mercedes.

I had lucid dreams of Summer begging for my help for many years after. It’s only in the last couple of years they have stopped.

But… something strange happened during lockdown. My wife had a reading with someone on FB something she loved having every now and then.

This guy had a message for me. He told me Summer says “thanks for trying” I asked him what did he meant, he said that was all their was to the message. A cold shiver ran down my spine, even stranger I had never told anyone about Summer until this post tonight.

Anyway I was never one for believing in that sort of thing, but sometimes I like to think it was her.

I’m sorry Summer.