My mother was abusive so I’d always try to leave the house with my sister. We were always together but When I was 12 my sisters bf raped me while she was

4 years

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My mother was abusive so I’d always try to leave the house with my sister. We were always together but When I was 12 my sisters bf raped me while she was sleeping in the other room pregnant. He was 25 when it started and it went on in secret for years. I helped raise my nephew like he was my own. Now that I’m older I don’t say much to them at family get togethers and I feel really guilty that my nephew thinks I hate him or something but I get triggered when I see him. They are married now and my sister still doesn’t know because when I tried to tell her she didn’t believe me

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I lied to my mother and family that I won’t kill myself but after 2weeks im planning on using my grandfather’s gun to feel free I don’t want to die but I also don’t want to suffer I hope they forget about me I wish I hugged you one more time mei sorry for everything if you ever find this Josephine please forgive me

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I regret my actions in my previous relationship. I messed up. She didn’t like that I was vaping and I couldn’t stop for her. She also was unhappy that I had sent explicit photos to another girl before we were together. I could have been better for her, but I wasn’t and now I can’t live with myself. I wish I could be with her every day, but I know that she wants nothing to do with me. Maybe one day I can apologize for how I treated her and we can be friends again, but she doesn’t want anything to do with me right now and I don’t blame her.